


Backwards With Clarity

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Is A Great Granddad, Awesome Ben Solo, Awesome Phasma, BAMF Ben Solo, Background Atton/Exile, Badass Phasma, Ben Solo Has Self-Esteem Issues, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Canon-Typical Violence, Disturbing Rhetoric of Hux’s in Chapter Fourteen, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Constipation, Explicit Sexual Content, First Order Politics (Star Wars), For Want of a Nail, Force Ghost Anakin Skywalker, Force Ghost Shenanigans, Force Ghost(s), Force Healing, Force Sensitive Jannah, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Forgiveness, Good Parent Leia Organa, It’s Complicated, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Finn (Star Wars), Jedi Jannah, Jedi Training (Star Wars), Lightsaber Battles, Love Confessions, Luke Skywalker Is An Asshole, M/M, Manipulative Armitage Hux, Mutual Loss of Virginity, Mutual Pining Darkpilot, Past Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Past Torture, Pilot Poe Dameron, Pining Ben Solo, Pining Poe Dameron, Politically Incorrect Villain Armitage Hux, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Protective Anakin Skywalker, Protective Leia Organa, Protective Poe Dameron, Redemption, Rise of Kylo Ren Spoilers, Slow Burn Darkpilot, Space Mom Leia Organa, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, Still Managed To Sneak In Some KOTOR Cameos, Stormtrooper Rebellion, The First Order Sucks, The Force, The Luke vs. Ben Match We Deserved To See, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Time travel weirdness, Time traveling Ben Solo, Unintentional Redemption, Young Ben Solo, Young Finn (Star Wars), Young Poe Dameron, at least Phasma isn’t a wimp here, badass Ben Solo, mind probe, regarding Poe that is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:13:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 30,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22167667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Ben Solo doesn’t know how, but he’s going to make things right.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 67
Kudos: 144
Collections: Darkpilot Fix-Its, The_Multishipper_Post_TROS_Happy_Place_Collection





	1. Prologue: Anakin

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: 
> 
> Me: I should be working on A Final Act of Redemption. 
> 
> Also me: Time travel fix-its FTW!
> 
> And I know short chapter is short, but...I hope it at least sets the stage.

It was long after he had faded away on Exegol that Ben Solo woke in the netherworld of the Force. The way that it looked — he didn’t expect the netherworld of the Force to actually look like the Academy that his mother had sent him to, but he supposed the afterlife looked different depending on the individual perceptions of the person. 

He supposed it was fitting, all things considered, that he come back to the place where everything began to go wrong. 

Even looking up, he saw a face he’d never expected to see. Curly dark blond hair. Blue eyes. Jedi robes. It was a face he’d seen in the archives, but now...

”Grandfather?” he said. 

Anakin Skywalker nodded. “I’m here,” he said. “You know I’ve always been waiting for you.”

Ben got to his feet. “You were waiting for me?” he said. “But I asked for you...and you never came.”

”Force Ghosts have their limitations,” Anakin said. “Obi-Wan couldn’t appear to your uncle at Bespin because of that. Believe me, Ben, if I was able to, I would have appeared to you. I never wanted you to do what I did.”

The way he looked...he looked so very earnest, so very broken. As if Ben couldn’t feel any worse than he did now. 

”I’m sorry,” he said. 

”In many ways, it’s my fault,” Anakin said. “My own foolishness, my own hubris...I thought I could save your grandmother from death after your great-grandmother was murdered. Palpatine preyed on my weaknesses, and I danced to his tune.”

Ben bit his lip. “You’re so much like me,” he said. It was the best thing he could say, to reassure his grandfather it wasn’t entirely his fault. 

”I doubt that’s a good thing.” Anakin said ruefully. “I have...plenty of red on my hands. I have a whole afterlife to try and atone for how tainted my hands are.” A beat. “I tried to do what I could. To help Rey. She was the only good thing Palpatine put into this world. I didn’t kill Palpatine for good, but she could.”

”She’s always been brave,” Ben said. Rey...he hadn’t loved her as she likely loved him, but he had felt a kinship with her. From the moment he had felt her on Takodana, he had felt something in her that reminded him too much of who he used to be, and yet everything he never was. 

Anakin nodded. “Ben...I made my choices. You didn’t have many choices to make. The best I can do is give you another chance.”

”But that’s...” Ben paused. Was it really impossible? After all, he wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t given his life force to resurrect Rey. To save her. And Ezra Bridger had apparently pulled Ahsoka Tano out of the World Between Worlds. “Impossible” was a limiting term when it came to the Force. 

Anakin nodded. “Not as impossible as you think. And I owe you this much.”

The netherworld of the Force began fading as Anakin raised his hand. 

”Leave now,” Anakin said. “Save the galaxy. Save the Skywalkers. Save yourself. Do what I failed to do.”

”Grandfather — ”

"Ben,” Anakin said softly, “Remember...”


	2. Luke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben takes his first step to make things right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was on the garden planet of Adani that Snoke felt the shift in the Force — so slight as to be almost imperceptible. He raised his head even as he tended to his flowers, sniffed the air. This was new. This was...unexpected. He couldn’t say what it was, but he could feel something much like a crucial point being pushed out of balance.

Something was interfering in his orders to Palpatine. 

Snoke was not created in a vacuum, of course. Palpatine gloated that he had all but plucked “a nothing Milaran’s maggot-ridden corpse" from where it lay and created greatness, but Snoke had the trappings of DNA, of history, behind him, though he was good as Palpatine’s son. (Palpatine had praised Snoke as the best of his sons. Given that Vader had betrayed him and so had Trias, Snoke supposed that wasn’t saying much) Palpatine, so arrogant that he would think to do what Plagueis had done in life. But Snoke believed in the elements aligning. In some things being destined. Ben Solo would fall because the Force knew it was so. 

Snoke had his own objectives, naturally. Palpatine was willing to try and wipe out an entire bloodline out of petty spite over something that was his fault to begin with. (Of course, Skywalker had good as murdered Vader and the Emperor, but still...) When Snoke had sensed Ben Solo’s entering existence in the Force, he had sensed something besides a new Vader for Palpatine. Light. Dark. Balance. Maybe it was the fact Aldric — the Milaran this Snoke was made from — had been trying to resolve the Jedi-Sith conflict. Trying to find answers that never came. But this new shift wouldn’t just disrupt the Emperor’s plans and the natural path of fate, but the galaxy.

When the Emperor’s hologram appeared before him thanks to that device Snoke kept with him, Snoke was far from surprised. He was far from unsettled either; he had been familiar with those pale, unseeing eyes and pallid face since the Emperor had created him. He was familiar with the Emperor’s praise. He was also familiar with the Emperor’s hate. Familiar with the Emperor’s grudges against Luke and Anakin. Familiar with the Emperor. The pale, almost unseeing eyes of the Emperor barely fazed him. 

”There has been a disturbance,” said the Emperor. “A shift in destinies, in the elements.”

”I have felt it,” Snoke said. 

”The Force seeks to interfere with our plans,” said the Emperor. “But its efforts will be in vain. You know full well what to do. Come and meet me at Exegol, and we will launch our attack on Skywalker’s pitiful Academy.”

Snoke nodded. Even as the Emperor’s visage faded, Snoke got to his feet. It was time to contact his men. 

He took out his comlink and spoke. “Ren,” he said. 

”Supreme Leader.” Ren’s familiar tinny voice echoed through the comlink. By the Force, Snoke thought with a prickle of irritation, did that lightsaber-idolizing fool ever take that ridiculous mask off?

Snoke suppressed his irritation even as he said, “We have work to do.”

***  
Ben woke up in a place that he didn’t expect to see again, truthfully. His hut, before he had destroyed it in a fit of desperation. To defend himself. Even looking down at himself, he noticed he wore his old white fatigues. He wrinkled his nose in distaste. He doubted white suited him anymore. Then again, neither did black. Did gray suit him more? Ben wished he knew, really. He supposed he’d figure it all out eventually. 

_I’d say that black would be trying too hard to be like me_ , Anakin said lightly in his mind, and Ben almost laughed. Almost. Then he faltered. He had felt something. Something...wrong. 

_Palpatine knows,_ Anakin said. _Considering that we’re meddling in his plans, he’s abandoned all pretense of trying to be subtle. He would rather raze the Academy to the ground than let his revenge go to waste.  
_

”What do I do?”

 _You already know. You weren’t able to save the Academy last time, but you can now_. 

”I’ll do it,” Ben said. There was really no use, honestly, considering the “do or do not” stuff. “Even if my Uncle thinks I’m insane.” And even if the last time he saw his Uncle, they were enemies.

***

”I had a premonition,” Ben said. “A vision. Palpatine...he’s going to attack the Academy.”

Even standing in the library where Ben usually organized textbooks, Ben could feel his uncle’s disbelief. “Palpatine lives?”

Ben nodded. “I felt him.” From a certain point of view, that was true. 

Luke looked, for all intents and purposes, like he had been punched in the chest. Ben could feel at least a pang of sympathy despite himself. “I don’t want to believe it,” Luke said. “But it explains so much.”

Ben nodded. “What are we going to do?”

Luke sighed. “We need all the help we can get,” he said. “Republic pilots. Ground soldiers. More than that. We need to get everyone to safety. Where we can find refuge.”

Ben nodded. Then again, was there any place that he could evade Palpatine and Snoke? Was it at all possible? He was so used to the idea of you-can-run-but-you-can’t-hide. Just about all his life. 

Luke smiled at him. “It’s going to be okay, Ben,” he said. “Palpatine’s gonna learn that he severely underestimates his enemies, sooner or later.”

Ben nodded. “Hopefully.”

***

Even as the other students prepared for evacuation (some seeming skeptical. Luke supposed it was understandable they were), Ben packing away texts in a bag, Luke knew that he most likely had to face Palpatine and Snoke again. He’d bested Snoke before and exiled him, though. He could fight both of them again. 

He only feared for Ben. Something about his nephew...when Ben had come to him, there had been something off about his eyes. Like he had gone somewhere Luke couldn’t follow. It was nothing new for Ben nowadays, but still...

He called up Leia over the comm he had. It was a relief, he thought, just to see her face, despite how worried she looked. 

”Leia,” he said, “I need a favor.”


	3. Poe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Sorry this took so long! Jessa also made these beautiful moodboards, and they’re made of magic.

————

  
Of all the missions that Poe Dameron expected when he first joined the New Republic Navy, fighting against the Sith wasn’t one of them. Leia hadn’t given him all the details when she’d contacted him, but judging by the look on her face, it was pretty bad. 

”I’ll be on my way,” he said. “Promise.”

”Good,” Leia said. “We need all the help we can get, Poe. We truly do."

The way she looked in that moment — she looked outright grim. Like nothing would be the same after all this. Leia had kept an eye on him just about all his life. And now it had all led up to this. 

”Good luck,” Leia said. “Poe.”

”Thanks. Gonna need it.”

The transmission ended, and Poe ran a hand through his hair. It was better to get started now than never. 

***

 _That’s about everything, isn’t it?_ Anakin said. 

They were in the archives even as Ben packed the last of the texts into his bag. Considering how heavy the texts were, Ben already wondered how he was going to carry them this far away from the Temple. Still, considering that Ben was the closest thing the Temple had to a historian, it was fitting, he supposed. 

”You could say that,” Ben said. "I should pack some of my things too. Calligraphy set and all.”

 _Ben...it can’t mean that much to you._

”I got it for my Naming Day,” Ben said. “My eighteenth, from my father. He wasn’t one for art stuff, but he just...wanted to make me happy...”

His voice cracked. Seeing his father again...did he really deserve to be welcomed back with open arms? Even though he hadn’t killed his father in this timeline. Ben still didn’t know if he deserved to be welcomed back, loved all the same. Even his mother...had she actually cared about him, or had she wanted to trick him long enough for Rey to kill him? 

He didn’t want to think about it too hard. 

_I doubt your mother would do that to you,_ Anakin said. _She loved you.  
_

Ben snorted. “She loved me so much that she didn’t even help me when Palpatine and Snoke came calling.” Sarcasm layered his words. “So much that she decided to use Poe as a replacement for me. So much that when Snoke was hurting me, she did nothing, not out of fear, but because she didn’t care.”

 _That’s not true and you know it, Ben_. 

“She probably would have preferred if I were literally anyone else,” Ben said. “Not me. Someone not me. She gave up on me in the beginning and she gave up on me on Crait just to cover up for the fact that she didn’t even try.”

 _Then she wouldn’t have sent your father to find you_. 

”She...did that?” 

_Wasn’t it obvious when your father said “we”?_

Ben wished he could remember things like his mother arguing with his father. Dropping words about him that had struck fear into the youngling he had been. Sending him away to the Academy. So much more. And yet he thought of his father on the bridge at Starkiller Base. Thought of eyes wide — how his father had been close to crying, and how it had struck him because his father had never cried as far as Ben had seen him. His mother, and that steady sort of faith she had in him on the bridge of the _Raddus_. 

_You’re so surprised by the idea that your family loves you. That you can be loved_. 

“I don’t know.” Ben definitely couldn’t say if he could be loved, at least in this timeline. Could he? ”I should get everything else. Like my lightsaber.”

Even getting those things, his lightsaber and his calligraphy set and more, Ben couldn’t help but at least feel some sort of pang of melancholy. It seemed like he was leaving this place behind for the second time — maybe the last. Ben wondered if they would successfully drive off the invasion, or if they would have to flee. 

_No matter the outcome, we can say we fought, didn’t we?_ Anakin said. 

A nod from Ben. “Definitely.”

***

Landing on the planet proper, Poe couldn’t help but admire the sturdy building that was the Academy, outlined against a bright blue sky, as he got out of his X-wing with BB-8 behind him. It was beautiful. Poe had heard stories about how grand the Jedi were, how Luke Skywalker was going to bring the Order to glory once again. It really was ironic that when Poe was seeing the Jedi Temple for the first time, it was when it was being attacked.

He could hope he was up to the challenge.

He walked towards the Academy, the sturdy building seeming almost impressive in that moment, before noticing Master Skywalker as well as the dark-haired boy at his side. He wasn’t quite like the clean-shaven man that Poe remembered, but he still greeted Poe warmly. “How have you been?”

”Good,” Poe said. He tried to ignore how that dark-haired boy seemed to be doing nothing but stare at him. Poe wondered if those eyes could bore daggers into his head, come to think of it. It was enough to unnerve him, if he was to be perfectly honest, and when he looked up, he swore that the boy actually looked haunted. 

What the hell had happened to make him that way? 

Luke smiled at Poe. “This is my nephew, Ben,” he said. “You might have heard about him from time to time.”

***

Poe Dameron. It was strange — no, horrifying, actually — looking at twenty-two year old Poe Dameron because Ben hadn’t seen him since the Finalizer. Since he tortured him as Kylo, actually. Even remembering how Poe had screamed — before, Kylo Ren had thought it was a job, nothing more, nothing less. Just to get revenge on his uncle. Now the terror was all but freezing his blood, and the guilt...he could remember at points almost feeling sympathy for Poe. Going through memories of things like him running out on his father with such fascination, feeling a strange sort of pull to this one man...

It was now that Ben hated himself more than ever. 

If Poe knew what he’d done, he wouldn’t have done what he did next. “Hello,” Poe said. 

Ben nodded. No use acting weird. “Hello,” he said. 

Luke did most of the talking. “Judging by what Ben told me,” he said, “We’ll need to engage on the ground and in the air. You’re a good pilot, Poe — I think you can do that.”

Poe nodded. “I’ll do my best.” He sounded so assured, so earnest — Ben knew that he could never, in his so-far-kriffed-up life, be anything like Poe. 

Even as Poe walked away to his X-wing, BB-8 in tow — and it was odd seeing the droid in the context of not hunting him to get revenge on Uncle Luke — Ben was almost relieved. He had a feeling that facing everyone he’d wronged would be a difficult journey. Then again, redemption not ending in death was a difficult journey in general, wasn’t it?

 _Those like Ulic Qel-Droma and Revan didn’t have easy paths either_ , Anakin said. _They still triumphed.  
_

Ben couldn’t really rebut that out loud, not without getting an odd look from his uncle. Instead, he thought it to himself. He wasn’t Ulic, or Revan. He never could be. 

_I’d say you’re on the right path, Ben,_ Anakin said. 

”Ben?” Luke said. “Are you okay?”

Ben nodded. “Just afraid.”

”I would say ‘don’t be’, but that wouldn’t help, Ben.” Luke’s hand brushed lightly over Ben’s shoulder. It was a reassuring touch, Ben found, and something he didn’t expect from his uncle. Not in so long, at least. “Fear’s a part of us. Emotions that Jedi would call Dark Side emotions...they’re as part of us as the Light Side ones. It’s what we do with it that matters. Confronting fear, internal or external, is the destiny of any Jedi. Your destiny is no different.”

Stars, Ben hoped he could do it. He could have been perfect on the first try. Could have been amazing. Instead, he had broken. The boy that had seen the Academy burn, and had run to Snoke anyway. He was given a second chance, but it didn’t quite assuage the feeling like he could have been amazing, could have been, for that matter, special and important. 

If not for unhappy chance, he could have been _better_.   
  
He swallowed. “Thank you, Uncle,” he said. 

Luke smiled. “I do what I can,” he said. 

***

The good thing about having once served among the Knights of Ren was knowing their weaknesses. Not to mention the weaknesses of Force users in general. While Voe and Hennix, along with other students, prepared the defenses, Tai came in just as Ben was preparing the mines. 

Tai had been one of the Jedi who had been unfailingly kind to Ben. Ben couldn’t help but remember having to kill Tai (along with Voe and Hennix) on Elphrona. And Snoke’s voice (had it been Palpatine’s all along? Ben didn’t know). _At last you understand..._

When Kylo Ren had trained deeper in the Dark Side, he’d drawn on the anguish of killing Tai, among other things, to fuel him. All the ways Snoke had cheated him. To think that Kylo had thought the Force would free him. Now...

”I didn’t know you knew how to do that,” Tai said. 

Ben shrugged. “You pick up a lot of things,” he said. 

”Still.” 

The silence between them seemed to stretch out longer than was comfortable. Then Tai spoke. “You seem...different, Ben.”

”Good different or bad?”

Tai paused. Then, “I wouldn’t categorize it. Just different."

Ben considered telling Tai the truth in that moment. After all, Tai had always been kind to him. But there were things even Tai would be appalled at. Having a thirty-year-old dead man in the body of a nineteen year old, let alone a thirty-year-old who had left carnage in his wake in the timeline he came from...it would be unbelievable to Tai. Or worse, drive him away. He’d think that Ben was a monster, or even just making up stories. 

Ben couldn’t lie to Tai. But even Tai had his limits. 

”Yeah,” he said. ”That’s one way to put it.”

Tai nodded. “You feel odd,” he said. “Admittedly. There’s something...but I can’t put my finger on it.”

Voe mercifully entered before Tai could ask any more questions, her pale braids seeming more than a bit disheveled. “Think that’s everything,” she said. “How are the mines, Ben?”

”They’re coming along.” Ben had set the mines to “stun”, of course. It was the least he could do. Ren...he had a feeling he’d regret killing him. Killing Snoke a second time he’d have fun with, and killing Palpatine...well, at minimum it would be good payback for throwing him into a pit on Exegol. 

But Ren...Ren had genuinely seemed to care for him in his own sick way. Ben swore he could remember all too well, how alone original timeline Ben Solo had felt.

” _Kid, they see what they want to see. The sons of war heroes, the destruction of this galaxy. The Skywalker heir, the Skywalker downfall. They don’t know you, kid.” A beat, all while Ren looked at him, an almost strange look of compassion in those eyes. “I do.”_

Ben, in the present, blinked a little. Already, he couldn’t help but be afraid. Afraid of facing Ren, not for himself, but for Ren. 

” _For you, kid, I would have bled the galaxy dry_.”

“Ben?” Tai said. “Are you okay?”

Ben nodded. Maybe there was a way to get Ren to stand down. To stop. Whatever path he chose, it seemed, it would only bring more pain. 

”I’m ready,” he said. “I won’t fail.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: Both Tai and Ren (also Voe and Hennix) are from the Rise of Kylo Ren comics. Tai’s an old acquaintance of Ben’s, and Ren is the original leader of the Knights.


	4. Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben confronts Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Sorry this took so long!

”The Knights of Ren are not invincible,” Uncle Luke said. They stood in the antechamber in the Jedi Academy, looking over the hologram of the Knights of Ren. Ben stood with his uncle; having faced the Knights of Ren before when looking for artifacts with his uncle, he was judged as the best one to help explain the Knights to everyone else. “They’re not all-powerful. They are certainly not to be trifled with, especially their leader, Ren himself, but they can be beaten. They’re beginners when it comes to the Dark Side of the Force, and their usage is crude at best. I can at least give you comfort in that regard, small as it is.”

The others — including the pilots, Poe among them — watched attentively. Luke continued speaking. “Of course, their leader is still dangerous.”

One of the pilots, Kare, spoke up. “Does he have a first name?”

”As far as I know,” Luke said, “He’s just named ‘Ren’.”

Ben spoke up. “He sees himself as more of an idea,” he said. “The leader, the teacher.” 

Of course, that wasn’t the whole truth. Ren had told him, in one of their telepathic conversations, that he had had a name once. “ _I was Gabriel Soule. I abandoned that name long ago for a higher and more glorious purpose.”_

He doubted he could tell anyone else, though. They would hardly understand, how Ren could simply lure you in. How he could captivate your, as horrible as he was. 

It was as Uncle Luke was rallying the troops that Ben swore that he felt a disturbance in the Force. A very familiar disturbance. Snoke’s ship. And Ren...Ren himself was on board. Ben could feel him, all too keenly, and his genuine reluctance to kill Ben. _If we bombard this planet, Ben will also die...and can we kill him? Is Palpatine slipping in his own cunning?_

”We have to get off-planet,” he said. “And the pilots have to get to their ships.”

Uncle Luke nodded grimly. “No arguments there.”

The others dispersed. Poe gave Ben a reassuring wink, a sort of reassuring wink that Ben could only assume was something Poe just did. Because he was Poe Dameron, and a fundamentally kind man. 

Even as Ben headed out to the exterior of the Academy, he could feel Ren’s presence all too well, and his confusion. _Impossible...the Force can’t just do that. And if there was a timeline where Ben Solo took up my mantle, what did it cost?_

Ben swallowed. _Everything_. He didn’t know if Ren heard him. He didn’t know if it was a wise thing to even try to reply. But it had cost him everything. His friends, his family, his sanity, his life. Everything that had been done to him, and everything he had done. 

He could swear that Ren paused. And then the ship actually landed. A behemoth, Ben thought. He could only conclude that whatever was going on, Ren was actively going against Palpatine's orders to bomb the planet. 

”Get the others to the hangar,” Uncle Luke said to Ben. “I’m not letting him hurt you.”

”He won’t hurt me.” 

Luke sighed. “You don’t know that. Besides, you need to save the others.”

”I won’t leave you,” Ben said. Even with the history his uncle had with him, Ben wasn’t about to just kill a family member again, this time by cowardice. 

Luke nodded. “I’ll be along shortly, Ben.”

Ren was getting closer. Ben turned towards Tai, didn’t say anything. Just a nod. 

Tai turned to the others. “Run! For the love of the Force, run!”

They did. Luke turned to Ben. “Well...I didn’t think of that.”

”You should have,” Ben said. He couldn’t quite bring himself to make jokes, as much as all of it sounded like a joke. He was already scared of what Ren would do to his uncle — even though there was no logical reason for it. Even though Uncle Luke had beaten Ren back before. 

Ren emerged through the door just then, and Ben forgot just how intimidating he was, even with the mask off. The burns on his chest, contrasted with his handsome, dignified face that was currently unmasked. Ben wondered if Ren left the mask off to unnerve him. 

”I don’t want to hurt you, kid,” Ren said to Ben, and his voice was quieter than usual. Ben could feel how weary his eyes were, how sad.

Luke snorted. “Touching. Has the follower of the lightsaber actually gained a conscience?”

”That,” Ren said, “Is your opinion.” He turned back to Ben. “The man behind it all wants the place razed. Not that I’m opposed to burning something, but killing you with the planet is uncharacteristically stupid for him.”

”So that’s why you chose a ground attack,” Ben said. 

”What do you think?” Ren said. “I did ask you, on Elphrona, if you were sure that was the life for you.” A beat. “You won’t be happy here. I know that.”

Ben swallowed. “It doesn’t have to be this way, Ren,” he said. “You could come with us. I...saw your future. I can’t let you die, Ren.”

Ren looked gobsmacked. Ben had to admit, he’d never seen that look from him before. Then, “That’s a hell of a way to surprise me. Afraid I can’t do that, kid. The Brilliance is a cage — a pretty cage, but still a cage. And you can’t be happy when you’re a prisoner.”

”I saw myself,” Ben said. “On the Dark Side. It ended in devastation.”

”Of what?”

”Everything,” Ben said. A beat. “Besides...you wouldn’t be trying to spare me if you didn’t have some Light in you.”

Silence. 

”Awfully simple way of looking at things,” Ren said. “You think it’s all part of the Brilliance’s plan? You think that a disciple of the Shadow, a follower of the ren, can’t all but move the stars for a lost boy?”

Ben almost couldn’t speak a moment. 

”Of course I would. I would protect you, even from yourself. This isn’t the life for you, kid. Come with me.”

Ben didn’t hesitate when he said, “I can’t.”

Ren paused. He looked, for all intents and purposes, disappointed — and you had to care, definitely, in order to be disappointed.

”I had thought...” Ren said, softly.

Ben met his eyes, and already he couldn’t help but feel some degree of sorrow, along with the knowledge that in the end, he had done the right thing.

This time, he had made the right choice. Even if, once again, it had cost him something. 

Ren nodded. “I won’t hurt you, kid. I never could. I can keep you out of the way as long as I can.”

He reached out through the Force, and Ben felt himself frozen in place, rigid, even as Ren turned to his uncle. “You might have bested my Knights and I on Elphrona. Why don’t we see what happens when you’re up against just me?”

”How unfair,” Luke said wryly, “For you.”

***

While the Knights themselves Luke had found were nothing more than hammers, Ren he had to admit was skilled enough. Especially considering, Luke realized, he managed to keep himself fighting even though he was covered in burns. How he had gotten these burns...Luke didn’t know. 

”If I didn’t know better,” Ren said, “I’d say you were scared, Skywalker. But the Shadow can be miraculous when used right.” Red lightsaber met green, clashing in a way that reminded Luke almost of dueling on the second Death Star. “I have died so many times, Skywalker, and still I have risen. As Lord Sion used the Shadow to heal himself, as your father did as well, so your blows are nothing more than scratches.”

Green. Red. Green. Red. 

”Sion was kept alive through belief,” Luke said. “If I recall correctly. What keeps you alive, Ren? Greed? Hatred? Or...Force.” He already had a feeling from Ren and Ben’s conversation, when Ben for some reason was trying to persuade him to join the Light (admirable, Luke would say that), but now it fully hit him. “You love him.”

”None of your business, Skywalker.”

”Didn’t you say you’d move the stars for him?” Luke said. Even deep in his heart, he knew Ren’s love — a twisted sort of almost parental love — wasn’t love, not truly. “He has a father, Ren, and he’s not you.”

"His parents failed him,” Ren sneered. “Especially his mother. Even animals protect their cubs...but it seems his mother couldn’t understand that simple, basic fact.”

”What are you talking about?”

”She knew what the Supreme Leader and the Emperor were doing,” Ren said. “Yet she didn’t even take on the Emperor in battle to protect Ben. She didn’t seem to value him either. Oh yes...after Elphrona, I examined many things. It seems that DNA doesn’t equal actually caring about your offspring.”

Ren was lying. He had to be. And yet it seemed that Luke already knew. He’d denied it, that was all. Denied that things weren’t all right for as long as he could. 

”You’re so close to the Shadow,” Ren said. “You’re angry, aren’t you? Looking for someone to blame. Are you gonna try and kill me like you did with Vader?”

Something about that made Luke’s blood turn to ice. It was just like the second Death Star. Just like with the Emperor. He couldn’t give into anger. Even though it was so tempting.

In a moment of inspiration, he reached out with the Force, and Ren’s lightsaber flew into his hand.

The look on Ren’s face, the confusion and outrage...well, Luke almost wished he could capture it on a holo.

”I think I’ll take option three,” Luke said. “Anger is not the Jedi way. And neither is hate.” A beat. “I hate no one. Even a man like you. And if I were weak...why am I holding your weapon now?”

Ren reached out with the Force at the same time Luke did. Ren’s lightsaber hovered in the air between them, seeming torn between two powerful Force users...

...only for the lightsaber to break its hold and enter Ben Solo’s hold. Ben, who had broken from his stasis. Luke turned to Ben, already feeling a tug of pride for his nephew. 

Ren, meanwhile, looked hesitant. “Impressive, kid,” he said. “I can’t see like the Emperor can, or Snoke. But you are strong.”

Ben nodded. "Ren, stand down. I don’t want to fight you.”

”Neither do I, kid.”

Luke was struck by how sincere Ren really sounded in that moment. When a Dark Sider loved someone, romantically, platonically, like family, or even that basic adoration for all beings that the Jedi preached, it was a beautiful thing that became so quickly poisoned, twisted. Monsters could feel, monsters could care for others, but it could be as cruel as the rest of them. 

"Then go,” Luke said. “If you love Ben as akin to your own son, leave him be. He is, perhaps, the one pinpoint of light inside you. Save him.”

***

Skywalker was trying to trick him. That had to be the only explanation. And after his humiliation on Elphrona (which Snoke had been displeased at), Ren wasn’t about to give up. He could remember how Snoke had snarled at him. And yet...

Ben. To think that Ben was enough to make him waver. He, Master of the Knights of Ren, Disciple of the Shadow, was weakened by Ben. To think he was considering one of the Shadow’s most scorned traits: mercy. 

He couldn’t afford to be weak, useless. Undone by a Padawan of the Brilliance. He had devoted his life to the Shadow ever since he had left the Jedi behind. And yet here he was, undone by one boy. 

He reached out in the Force, focused on freezing the two Jedi in place. Even as it succeeded, Ren was glad, at least, that he didn’t have to harm Ben. 

He doubted he could take that, at least. 

***

By the time that Ben broke free of Ren’s stasis field, Ren was already gone. His heart sank even watching the space where Ren had been. He had hoped that he could help Ren, turn him away from the Dark Side, and that had failed miserably. Now...had that been how Rey had felt when he hadn’t turned back from the Dark Side? He shuddered to think that. That he was in Rey’s place. Had his grandfather also sent him back here, to where it all began, as a lesson? 

_I’m sorry, Ben_ , Anakin said. _Ren’s path...I suppose it is up to him. But I didn’t send you here because I wanted to hurt you._

Ben swallowed. Even as he headed to the _Grimtaash_ and greeted GeeGee (he didn’t expect to be glad to see GeeGee, but here they were), Luke following, he couldn’t help but feel like he failed in his mission. 

_Not yet_ , Anakin said. _The war is only just beginning, after all._


	5. The Grimtaash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben comes to grips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Last chapter took a while to get out. Have a multiple update!

The _Grimtaash_ was already in hyperspace, on to D’Qar. Uncle Luke had apparently gotten the location from Leia, and already, Ben was dreading seeing his mother. Especially since the last time he saw her, she had died trying to bring him back to the Light. (Assuming that she didn’t just want to trick Rey into killing him. Speaking of Rey, where was she now? He could imagine Rey, probably nine years old, struggling on Jakku as a tiny scavenger) Even that didn’t seem significant next to Ren. 

Ren. Thanks to his stunt with Ren’s lightsaber, he had it as a souvenir. He supposed that it was symbolic, in more ways than one. Considering that Ren saw the lightsaber as good as his religion, had Ben all but challenged his religion as well as every tenet of the Dark Side itself? 

For something that was quite an accomplishment, Ben didn’t feel much satisfaction in it. He had resisted the Dark Side. He just didn’t expect rejecting it to hurt. It should have been liberating. Maybe it would sink in later, how brave he’d been, or whatever he wanted to say. After all, logically, he wasn’t going to go on to burn down cities or kill innocent people or anything like that. That was a plus, wasn’t it? No one got hurt, anything like that. So why didn’t the rest of him get that?

”Master Solo?” GeeGee shuffled in. “That lightsaber...where did you get it?”

”A trophy,” Ben deadpanned. Then, sighing, he said, “I had a hard day." Trying to explain time travel to a droid would be odd, really. _Yes, I committed war crimes in the original future but I’m trying really, really hard to be a good boy. Still friends, GeeGee?_ Even imagining him trying to explain that to GeeGee, to say nothing of the fact his grandfather contributed to throwing him back...it was difficult, to say the least. 

”I can see that,” GeeGee said. “Do you need to rest? I would recommend warm blue milk, to begin with...”

”I don’t know what I need, GeeGee.” Ben’s voice cracked as he spoke. 

”Do you need a friend?” GeeGee said. 

”Sounds okay,” Ben said. 

He handed GeeGee Ren’s lightsaber. The droid turned it over in his metallic hands. Then, "This lightsaber...who did it belong to?”

”A friend,” Ben said. He supposed it wasn’t far from the truth. After all, long ago, Ren had been akin to his friend. When he’d first joined the Knights of Ren and Ren (on Snoke’s insistence) trained him, he had formed a deeper kinship with the oddly likeable Knight. 

” _Y’know it’s not your fault that Skywalker tried to kill you. I always had a feeling he wasn’t as pure as he thought. Arrogant little toad...if he wasn’t such a holier-than-thou creature, he would have made a spectacular wielder of the Shadow.”_

Ren’s voice. To think Ren actually sounded genuinely outraged about Luke nearly killing Ben. The idea that Ben meant something to Ren...it would explain a lot, Ben supposed. 

GeeGee’s voice stirred him back to the present. “I’m sorry, Master Solo. It must have been a terrible loss.”

Luke entered the room. “Is it Ren?” he said. “You’re taking it quite hard. I’m sorry.”

”Not your fault,” Ben said. For a change, he supposed, Uncle Luke was not responsible. 

”Still,” Luke said. “Rejecting the Dark Side can be painful. I know after Bespin...I couldn’t handle it. I was numb at best. The idea of my father being the same monster that killed Obi-Wan, killed the Jedi, tortured your mother...it was something I could barely process. Especially since I thought Vader killed my father.”

”How did you recover?” Ben said. 

”I felt compassion for him,” Luke said. “It was strange, but over our strange telepathic link, I could feel how alone in the galaxy he was. Surrounded by a sea of pain. I didn’t know why, of course, but feeling that sea, that seemingly endless, depthless sea, made me wonder if there was something more to the monster I initially wanted to kill. He was so lonely. So consumed by hatred, rage...including towards himself. And yet he had a pinpoint of light in him. A pinpoint of reason. There was something beautiful I wanted to salvage, and...”

”And in the end, you did,” Ben said. A beat. “Am I like him?” He couldn’t help but think of how much he had wanted to be like Vader. Maybe it was the simple, honest fact that he felt like he was reclaiming a heritage he never knew about. Now he wondered how much of that was a curse, really. 

”Well,” Luke said. “I can’t say I knew enough about him to say for certain.” A beat. “I think you are your own, Ben, and that is enough.”

It shouldn’t have warmed Ben so much, and here he was. 

”You should rest, Ben,” Luke said. “We’re coming up on D’Qar in...one to two days, if I’m estimating right?”

Ben nodded. “Hopefully I can sleep...”

”If I can be of assistance, Master Solo...” GeeGee said. 

Ben nodded. “Thank you.”

And even as GeeGee put on some soothing music, Ben supposed for the first time in his kriffed up life he could hopefully sleep without nightmares. 


	6. D’Qar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben arrives at D’Qar, reunites (in a way) with his parents, and things start to get interesting between him and Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Didn’t do the multiple update I promised (quite) because I got tired, but I hope this is still sufficient.

Ben could safely say he was too exhausted, too overwhelmed, to have nightmares, and when he woke up, he was more than relieved to be on the _Grimtaash,_ where he...belonged? He couldn’t say he belonged there yet, but he could say he felt safe there. Before, he had been so afraid, trying to get away from Voe, Tai and Hennix. Now he could say he felt safe, even if he didn’t know how to react to that. 

And then there was seeing his mother. 

_She would hate you even more than she does now if she knew what you did_. How was he supposed to explain any of that, including killing Dad? Even though Dad had loved him and forgiven him. There were limits to forgiveness. To compassion. And Ben...he’d ruined their lives. Had they been better off without him? A son who embarrassed them? Had that been why they sent him away?

Why no one, except Dad, had come for him?

 _I think parents who think that way are usually evil people_ , Anakin said. _Your children should be cherished. Treasured. And not just as trophies to show off._

Ben supposed. He couldn’t say he was quite used to that. He wished, really, that he was.   
  


***

Luke and Ben had breakfast before Ben headed up to the cockpit in order to check on their progress to D’Qar. Even looking down at the lush green planet, watching as the _Grimtaash_ dipped below the surface and swooped in, waved in by one of the hangar guards. Ben got out of the Grimtaash along with Luke and GeeGee, looking around D’Qar. He had never been to the Resistance base before. He found it sad, really, that the first time he saw it, he was a dead thirty-year-old in the body of a nineteen-year-old. 

Among the other pilots who mingled in the crowd, Ben could recognize some very familiar faces. His mother, dressed in Resistance fatigues, his father, dressed in his old smuggling gear that reminded Ben, uncomfortably, of the meeting on the Starkiller Base bridge. The meeting where he’d killed his own father. 

”Mom? Dad?” He couldn’t help but feel like he’d been stabbed himself. He definitely didn’t deserve this second chance. Not now. 

”You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Ben,” Luke said. 

Stars, but how did Ben even begin to explain? Not only did it seem all but implausible, but how would anyone forgive him for what he had done, even if that timeline technically didn’t exist anymore?

Han and Leia didn’t hesitate in embracing their son. Ben could have sworn that he felt smothered, and yet he didn’t want the feeling to let up. “Ben,” Han said. “Stang it, I thought you were dead...”

”I’m here,” Ben managed to say. “Don’t worry about me.”

***

Ben told them, of course. About Ren, and how he had come here. He didn’t know if he could tell them about the time travel thing, considering that they would never believe it.

”Did he hurt you?” Leia said. 

Luke spoke up. “He made very distinct efforts to not hurt Ben,” he said. “Even him incapacitating us...he did it to defeat us without hurting Ben.”

Leia nodded. Then, “Probably his only redeeming quality.”

”He’s lucky he didn’t hurt Ben,” Han said, “Or I would have shot him, and unlike with Vader, it would have worked.”

Ben nodded. His father was trying to protect him, of course, and yet somehow, he didn’t like the idea of Ren being shot. Maybe it was the fact that in the original timeline, he had killed Ren, and that had still left an impact on him. 

And then there was the fact he’d failed to turn Ren away from the Dark Side. He was starting to accept that he’d made the right choice. It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. 

“I got his lightsaber,” Ben said, holding out Ren’s lightsaber as he spoke. “I was trying to help Uncle Luke...”

”Way to go, kid!” Han said, and Ben had to fight the unpleasant recollection of when Ren called him the same thing. _Kid_. Ren was a lot like Ben’s grandfather, but was he also a bit like Ben’s father too? 

Han paused. “You okay?”

Ben nodded. “It’s not your fault,” he said. “It’s nothing you can help.”

”Okay. Look...Ben, if you’re in trouble, find me or your mom. We can talk. We can help you.”

Ben still didn’t know how much he could tell them both. 

***

”I heard you disarmed a Knight of Ren. Great job.”

Poe Dameron told him that much even as he walked Ben to his room on the Resistance Base (Ben had given Ren’s lightsaber to Leia. Maybe she could have it. Tweak it a bit, make it her own). Ben smiled faintly. Somehow, he didn’t know if he deserved Poe’s praise, but still. “Thanks...I guess,” Ben said. 

”No problem,” Poe said. “You must have been really brave.”

Ben laughed. “Uncle Luke did most of the work,” he said. 

”Hey, you disarmed a Knight of Ren. I say you have a right to brag.” Poe clapped him on the shoulder, and Ben, despite himself, couldn’t help but feel a pleasant flutter in his chest. 

He ought to warn Poe away, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to. “Thanks,” he said. He definitely didn’t expect Poe to be so kind. 

”No problem,” Poe said. “I hope you like it here.”

Even entering his quarters — modest, but still more comfortable than his old quarters on the _Finalizer_ — Ben hoped he would too. And — for Poe’s sake as well as his own — he hoped that he could resist Poe Dameron’s charms for as long as possible. 


	7. The Holocron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I shoehorn obligatory cameos in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: I decided to patch over how Ben managed to disarm Ren. Also, surprise KOTOR cameo, because I do what I want.

“I have to say,” said the Emperor in his almost slithery voice, “That I am disappointed and disgusted with your weakness, Ren.” A beat. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say that you betrayed me.”

”Hardly,” Ren said. “It was...pragmatism.” Even kneeling before the Emperor’s hologram on the _Finalizer,_ he added, “You didn’t have to set the planet on fire.”

The Emperor sneered. “You feel mercy?”

”I follow the _ren,”_ Ren said, “And the _ren_ would say that killing Ben Solo is a terrible idea.”

 _You’re really pushing the Emperor’s patience,_ Ren thought. The Emperor wasn’t usually one to lose his temper on a whim, but there was such a thing as poking the sleeping krayt dragon. 

”Your prized lightsaber told you such?” the Emperor sneered. 

”Hey, fair’s fair, but you didn’t need to do that.” Ren took a deep breath. “What I’m saying, my Lord, is that it’s more beneficial to keep him alive. Think about it. Snoke wants him for the balance. You want him as the apprentice Vader wasn’t. I want someone to carry on my legacy when I’m dead.” A beat. "Wouldn’t killing him rule out all these plans?”

The Emperor seemed thoughtful. Then, “I had an apprentice that thought much like you. I know that is not the reason for your conflict. You love the young Solo, as one loves their child. But...your proposal is admittedly a correct one.” A beat. “Is that why you turned off the kill switch on your lightsaber?”

Ren nodded. And that had been how he ended up in this situation. Because even heading into the Temple to confront Ben and Luke again, he had dreaded harming Ben in any way. He was Master of the Knights of Ren, follower of the _ren,_ leader and savior and teacher...and yet before someone like his son, he was weak. He had died so many times and come back to life, and yet he couldn’t bear to kill Ben.

The Emperor sneered. “How touching. You feel companionship with an enemy?”

”I feel it with everyone.” Ren didn’t use the term “friend” just to unnerve people, despite what Brendol Hux speculated. Hux, of course, didn’t understand this idea, but Ren could say he felt genuine companionship for everyone. It was Ben who was different.

(And Ren was unpleasantly reminded of when he was Gabriel Soule. The sort of young man who felt compassion too deeply and too much. Still, it wasn’t a trick of the Brilliance. The Shadow could love. Deeply, desperately, but there was nothing sick about it. Ben didn’t have to be disgusted with him, scared of him, like he was at the Temple. He’d understand. He had to)

”It festers in you,” said the Emperor. “Like an infection.”

”Whatever you say. I find it a good way of recruiting.”

”Still, young Solo would make a valuable asset,” said the Emperor. “He could be the apprentice that his grandfather wasn’t.”

”He could,” Ren said. “He could embrace his potential to the fullest. He could be so much more.” Even on Elphrona, he could still remember feeling the boy with the Brilliance and Shadow all but brimming equally in him, and knowing that this boy was something special, something exceptional. 

The way the Emperor looked, he seemed thoughtful. Then, “Can it be done?”

”I’ll find him. I promise.”

”Pray you don’t disappoint me.”

The Emperor’s hologram switched off in that moment, and Ren was left alone in that moment. He got up. Finding Ben Solo would be difficult. But he knew that nothing would stand in his way, fundamentally. 

***

Sleep. It was strange, but it was like even that was easier when Ben really thought about it. It was definitely better than the times he’d tried to sleep before. When he was sleeping back at his hut, for example, and hearing the screams of the galaxy in his head. When he slept on the _Finalizer_ and even praying to Grandfather’s mask hadn’t kept the ghosts of the past out of his nightmares. Just to name two things. He was relieved, in the end, just to wake up and realize that he had slept well, without any sort of bad dreams for a change. That was a gift he never thought he’d have.   
  
He got to his feet in that moment, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before dressing in Resistance fatigues (and Ben swore he had never seen an uglier shade of orange) and heading to breakfast. He still felt ridiculous in those fatigues; at least the First Order had a sense of their uniforms not being eyesores...

 _That’s mostly because they were gray. Not exactly the most eye-catching of colors,_ Anakin said wryly. 

Point taken, Ben supposed. He looked around at the others in that moment, almost envying how comfortable everyone looked. The Republic bombers. Blue Squadron. Black Squadron. And, of course, Tai, Voe and Hennix. Even in the midst of Poe laughing at a joke one of his squadmates told him, Ben couldn’t help but watch him, watch the crinkles around his eyes, the way he just seemed to glow with laughter. 

(Stars, Poe looked beautiful. Radiant, even. Was this the same man whose mind Ben had torn through like tissue paper? He shuddered to think)

Panicking despite himself, Ben sat alone at a table. His breathing was coming in shallow, he was all but rocking back and forth, and he already hated himself for it. Jedi weren’t supposed to panic. Jedi were supposed to be calm, at peace, passive. Jedi weren’t supposed to have panic attacks. 

Then again, Ben had never been a good Jedi. Was going on this odd journey going to make him one, finally?

”Hey.” Poe’s voice, in that moment, cut through the haze that seemed to surround him. It sounded almost nice, even though Ben didn’t deserve it. 

Stars willing he didn’t. 

”You okay?” Poe said. Ben knew that he didn’t deserve that sort of question, that sort of kindness. Hell, he hadn’t had something like this for so long. Too long, actually. 

”Yeah,” Ben said. It was better than admitting the truth. Better than nothing, really. “Just...getting used to things.”

”You could sit with us,” Poe said.

Okay, Ben definitely didn’t deserve that either. After all, of all the things he expected Poe Dameron to be, “kind” wasn’t one of them. He nodded, a little too quickly. Common sense said that he should refuse. Common sense said no — but then again, refusing would be too suspicious. 

”Sure,” he said. 

Sitting with Poe’s table, introducing himself at Poe’s encouragement (Ben supposed introducing himself as The Man Who Fell Through Time Thanks To His Grandfather’s Ghost was something he couldn’t do), Ben was not prepared for how...friendly they were. How they asked him questions about being a Jedi. He didn’t tell them everything about the old timeline, but he referenced when he was sent away at a young age thanks to Mom and Dad just not wanting to deal with a Force Sensitive son whose manifestations of his Force abilities could be called unpredictable. 

”It was complicated,” Ben said. “Especially with all these rules and regulations. All these rules about emotions...”

”Sounds frustrating,” Jessika Pava said. She was a pretty young pilot with her hair tied back in a neat ponytail. “Doesn’t make sense, that thing about anger. I mean, if that were true, we’d all have red lightsabers or something.”

”It's a point,” Ben said. “But...I guess what the Jedi mean is more complicated than that.” A beat. “I guess it’s more...no matter what happens, don’t forget your opponent’s sentient. Don’t give into thinking of them as a monster.” A beat. “I remember the Jedi Bastila Shan actually said that the Jedi held all life sacred, and that was why she ultimately rescued Darth Revan from the wreckage of his flagship."

”Huh,” Jess said. “Interesting.”

”And I guess,” Ben said, “The key is just being kind. Showing that compassion isn’t deserved, but is for everyone. Even a Sith.”

To think it was as simple as being a good person. A good sentient being in general. He wished, somehow, that he had known that earlier. To think it was just now that he was getting it. _What else did I overthink when I was younger?_

“Well put,” Poe said. “So, Ben...tell us some more about yourself.”

***

Ben thought he did a good job, all things considered, answering Poe’s questions without giving away the time traveler portion, at least before going off to training with his uncle. He hadn’t expected things to actually be fun when it came to talking with Poe. What else had he been missing, when he had become Kylo Ren? He supposed that he couldn’t think of it too hard. All this wasted time. Best he could do was train with his uncle, as well as the students (all thirteen of them) who’d gotten out thanks to Tai. 

Uncle Luke walked to the front of the class. Even as he stopped, he said, “The attack on the temple has been a trying time. We’re driven back for the moment, but we’re far from defeated. We’re not going to lie down quietly while Palpatine and his men crush everything we’ve worked so hard to build. It just doesn’t work that way. So we’re going to train. Perfect our skills. And meanwhile, we’re going to stop the resurrection of the Empire by whatever means we can. Fighting Palpatine and his followers won’t be easy.”

Ben raised his hand. 

”According...to my visions,” he said, “Palpatine’s on Exegol. One of the Sith homeworlds. If we attacked Exegol and took him down while he’s still vulnerable — I mean, he’s not at full strength, he’s still wounded from what Vader did on the Second Death Star...”

”It’s a good idea,” Luke said. “But we don’t know where Exegol is, and even if we did, charging into Exegol without so much as a plan will get us all killed.”

Ben nodded. Even the Emperor, as he remembered, was powerful even in his more vulnerable state. Even attached to that weird crane-like thing. It was a bitter pill to swallow, that he couldn’t resolve everything with a snap of his fingers. But he supposed he had to accept it. 

”We...actually have a special guest," Luke said. “We don’t have him in person, unfortunately, but we do have a recording of him: HK-47, old droid of Darth Revan.”

”What can a droid teach us about fighting the Emperor?” one of the students sneered, much to Ben’s irritation. 

”A lot,” Luke said. “He‘s an assassin droid.” A beat. “Oddly humorous for an assassin droid, I will say that. Good if you’re his master, not so good if you’re his enemy.”

Ben supposed it wasn’t like he had much of a choice. 

Luke took out a holocron, and it was then that he turned it on. A male voice. “Arawn, are you sure this is a good idea?”

A female voice, faintly Nubian-sounding. “In a way, I owe HK-47 my life. He helped me defeat Sion...though I do wish sometimes it hadn’t quite ended that way.”

A droid’s voice, filtered and vaguely sinister-sounding, cut in. “Interruption: I do hate to disrupt your meatbag moralizing, but I believe you left the holocron on.”

Silence. 

”I guess you might as well get going, HK,” Arawn said. “And Atton? Play nice.”

A sigh from the man — Atton, Ben could only assume. 

Then the droid strode forward. It was bipedal, rusty-looking, with glowing eyes. Definitely impressive, Ben thought. Then it spoke. 

”Salutation: Welcome, meatbags one and all, to HK-47’s training course. Smug Statement: My master would rather I call it a self-defense course against Dark Jedi and Sith, but considering I am in charge...the choice is up to me and me alone. Now, in this course, I will teach you how to kill these annoying Sith and Dark Jedi who fancy themselves to be my previous master. Query: Shall we begin?”


	8. HK-47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben starts off on his journey to stop the First Order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Not gonna lie, I wish I could include HK proper in this story. He’s bizarrely endearing...for an Ax Crazy assassin droid. :3

The first thing that Ben learned in HK-47’s lesson was that it apparently was incredibly easy to find ways to kill Force users. For all the droid claimed that he would kill anyone who used a blaster pistol against a Force user, he also pointed out using mines, gas attacks, even in the case of making one doubt themselves and thus disrupting their connection to the Force. It was already frightening, thinking of how easy it was to kill a Force user, just by using their weaknesses against them.

Ben wondered, absently, if his grandfather ever took lessons from HK-47.

 _Not really,_ Anakin said. _Also, whoever programmed this droid is either brilliant, dangerous, or both._

Ben couldn’t disagree. HK-47 was, unsettlingly enough, quite funny in places. He could imagine going up against the assassin droid would be disarming, in more ways than one. 

Anakin continued. _If Palpatine had known about these techniques, I think the Jedi would have had a harder time. It’s fortunate he didn’t know then.  
_

Ben couldn’t disagree. As Vader, his grandfather had preferred simply hacking and slashing as opposed to, say, psychological warfare. As had he. It helped that, with the exception of his first duel with Rey, it was safe to say that he was good at what he did. 

Too good, actually. Before, he had thought that all this killing was justified in the name of the First Order. It all meant something, Snoke told him. It was the right thing. It was righteous, justified. Everything would make sense in the end. 

Now he remembered his past deeds and hated himself. Even the fact that Snoke and Palpatine manipulated him could only excuse so much. He could have turned away at any time, grown a spine like the ex-stormtrooper did...and for some reason, he hadn’t. He hadn’t been strong enough, noble enough, to really stop what he was doing until the end. 

Anakin’s voice was soft. _You suffered pain and caused pain in equal measure, but it doesn’t matter now. You have a chance to make things better, and you will.  
_

Ben didn’t realize that HK-47’s lecture had drawn to a close until Uncle Luke said, “Are there any questions?”

”Yeah,” said one of the students. “Who was crazy enough to build that droid, and can they build me one?”

Uncle Luke coughed, but to Ben, it sounded almost like he was trying not to laugh. 

***

Even thinking of the ex-stormtrooper reminded Ben unpleasantly that the stormtrooper facilities were still out there. He had never really approved of the idea of them, if he was to be honest; there was the obvious fact that Hux was an idiot and didn’t know his soldiers would turn on him sooner or later, but there was also the fact that it just struck him as cruel. Hux insisted that the children were well-fed and well-taken-care-of, but something in the then-Kylo-Ren had found it, somehow, disgusting. 

He hadn’t done anything to stop the running of the stormtrooper facilities. He could, though, do something to take them down. 

And maybe it was risky, disobeying Uncle Luke like that. But Ben supposed it was his way of making up for hurting FN-2187 in the forest. Even the fact they were in combat wasn’t really an excuse. Hadn’t he been the one who had tracked FN-2187 and Rey down to the forest, after all?

 _If you want to redeem yourself, you don’t have to go behind your family’s backs_ , Anakin said. 

Ben had to keep himself from rolling his eyes. Did his grandfather have to worry more about offending Ben’s family than the fact that there were stormtroopers being kidnapped as kids?

 _Just talk to your mother,_ Anakin said. _It’s worth a try.  
_

_***  
_

Even speaking with his mother about the stormtrooper facilities, Ben didn’t miss the truly saddened look on his mother’s face. “The fact it’s going on at all is an atrocity, Ben,” she said. “We’ll have to be strategic, of course. But you...” She sighed. “I don’t want to get you killed. You only escaped your fight with Ren because he didn’t want to kill you. I don’t know how much longer that fact can protect you.”

”I’ll probably have back-up,” Ben said. “I’ve got to.”

Leia nodded. “I’ll send Poe with you,” she said. “I’m sure Voe, Hennix and Tai are interested in coming with you too. Though you’ll have to find the stormtrooper facilities. And go by a different ship; I think the _Falcon_ would be too conspicuous.”

Ben couldn’t argue with that. 

***

Madine had confiscated a freighter for the five of them to use. The _Grimtaash_ would also likely be too conspicuous as well, so the _White-Tailed Hawk_ would have to do. Even as GeeGee boarded with the five of them, the droid said, “I will miss the _Grimtaash,_ but I suppose this isn’t too shabby. Not really.”

Ben couldn’t argue with that. Even heading up to the cockpit with Poe, Poe said, “You know how to fly?”

Ben nodded. He had managed to evade Voe, Tai and Hennix before, in the _Grimtaash,_ and his piloting skills in the Raddus battle hadn’t been bad either. Or piloting his TIE Whisper on Pasaana. It was a pity Rey had sliced it; it had been, truly, a good ship. 

”That’s good,” Poe said. “Then again, I can’t say I expected anything less. I mean, you’re Han Solo’s son.”

Ben nodded. Even though, he thought, it would be nice to not just be “Han Solo’s son”. To not just be a Solo, and just be him. Just Ben. Wouldn’t that be nice, he thought. More than nice. 

”I’m sure you’re good too,” Ben said. “I mean...Shara Bey’s son.” He tried to smile, just to cover for the fact that he hadn’t dropped “best pilot in the Resistance” once. 

A shrug from Poe. “I do my best. And hell, it doesn’t mean other people aren’t the best too...”

Ben nodded, swallowed. He still didn’t know how he’d gotten to torturing such a bright, friendly, beautiful being. How he got to torturing anyone at all, but this just seemed particularly senseless. Someone who just loved people — who would move the stars for them.

How had he almost broken someone so beautiful?

”It’s good of you,” he said. Stars, how Ben wanted to fall under Poe’s spell. How he wanted out from under it so badly.

Poe grinned. “I try.”

They sat down, Poe in the co-pilot’s seat, Ben in the pilot’s seat. “Well,” Poe said, “Let’s get to it. You’re in charge, Captain.” He winked as he said it, and even starting up the engines, Ben tried not to show how excited yet shy he felt just at that one wink. 


	9. The White-Tailed Hawk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A breather, between Poe and Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The _White-Tailed Hawk_ was in hyperspace, on autopilot for the first stormtrooper base. BB-8 could probably fly this thing, Ben couldn’t help but think, and smiled faintly. He supposed that he couldn’t stare into hyperspace’s swirling blue tunnel for too long, lest he get dizzy. So...he supposed that looking at Poe was the next best thing, all things considered. 

And Poe...how Ben hoped that he wasn’t so striking and gorgeous in that moment. He could remember thinking that in passing when they’d first met on Jakku, but it was really driven home here. His thick, curly black hair. His eyes, brown and expressive, and terribly pretty. He couldn’t help but feel at least a twinge of envy along with his admiration; Ben Solo was never even close to being attractive, unless, he thought darkly, one found large ears and a large nose to be sexy. 

”You’re staring,” Poe said lightly. “See anything you like?”

 _Stang. “_ Poe, I swear the only reason I was looking at you was that hyperspace is scary-looking.”

Poe shrugged. “Fair point. Not complaining, though — you’re not bad-looking yourself.”

Ben had to sputter a bit. “You — you don’t have to be nice to me,” he said. “Really.”

”It’s the truth. Plus, the attitude? I’m sure a lot of beings wanna be the one that cracks the code. How can you reach Ben Solo?”

”I don’t exactly have that ‘bad boy appeal’,” Ben said. He’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t flattered, though. 

Poe chuckled. “Maybe not ‘bad boy’ exactly. Just mysterious. With a lot of secrets.”

Ben smiled faintly, nodded. Poe really had no idea, did he? What kind of secrets he kept. Coming back from the other side with knowledge that he hadn’t had before. 

Poe continued. “So...I wanted to know more about you. Crack the code of Ben Solo.”

”Are you trying to flirt with me?” Ben said. 

”Might be. Might not be.” Poe said. “Really, though — you’re a puzzle ever since you showed up at the Resistance and I want to know what I can.”

”Okay. Well...I’m Benjamin Bail Solo,” Ben said. “My mother won the argument, apparently, as to who I was named after. Ben after her friend Obi-Wan. Bail after her adoptive father.”

”Oh,” Poe said. Then he smiled. “I can picture that. Your mother’s pretty stubborn, from what I saw of her.”

”Very.” It occurred to Ben that he was all but thinking about his mother and not angry at her or resenting her. Then, “Your turn.”

”I’m Poe Kes Dameron. Nothing special here. Kes is my dad’s name.” Poe paused. “It was my mom who taught me to pilot a ship. Her old A-wing. I’d sit on her lap and she’d show me the controls...”

”She sounds amazing,” Ben said. 

“She was,” Poe said. A pause. “She died when I was eight.”

”I’m sorry,” Ben said. Then, “She could still be out there. You know, watching from the Force? Making sure you’re not hurt.”

He hoped it was the case. Ben didn’t know whether non-Force-Sensitives got an afterlife, but he hoped so. It was only fair, wasn’t it?

Poe smiled faintly. “Could be,” he said. “I like that idea.”

Hesitantly, their hands touched, and Ben felt his heart skip a beat — it was something that certainly hadn’t happened with Rey. Rey was gentle and kind and brave, but he had felt more of a kinship with her than anything. She had mostly seen what she’d wanted to — more of an ideal of Ben than the reality. You couldn’t love someone or something who was mostly in your imagination. 

(And Rey was only nine now. Having her as a younger sister, that at least he could do)

“You’re trembling,” Poe said softly. 

“I am?” Ben said. “I guess I am.”

He tried to smile, just to cover up the fact that his heart was hammering like mad. Just to cover up the fact that they were too close...

”Tell me more about you,” Poe said. 

”All right.” Ben took a deep breath. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pilot. Like my dad. And I got into calligraphy for a short time as a teen, don’t laugh...”

Poe smiled. “I think that’s fine,” he said. “You don’t have to be nervous, you know.”

A nod from Ben. “I just like how it looks,” he said. “I always had a bit of an artsy streak. I wish I’d saved some of my old sketches...”

”Not too late to start again,” Poe said. “Just saying.”

Maybe, Ben thought. He couldn’t help but think it would be therapeutic. 

”We should probably sleep, if you want to,” Poe said. “It might help. Especially considering that we’ve got work to do.”

”Yeah.” Ben couldn’t deny that. “We do.”

Even resting against his seat in that moment, Ben couldn’t deny that it was a relief, just to have another night where he could sleep peacefully. Small blessings, he thought, were hard to come by, even as he slipped into sleep. 


	10. Phasma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and co. start their mission to free the stormtroopers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“All right, what’s the plan?”

Tai, Hennix, Voe, Poe and GG gathered around Ben even as Ben faltered. What was the plan? No, really, what was the plan? They had to get the stormtrooper kids out somehow, but how to do that without casualties? After all, the other stormtroopers — maybe even Phasma, Ben thought — were good as prisoners there. Same as the kids. Even the part of Ben that knew you did whatever you could to win, that part of him that was still very much Kylo Ren no matter how he wanted it not to be, already knew that killing the other stormtroopers would be hypocritical at best. Ben Solo was many things, but definitely not a hypocrite. 

Ben sighed. “Get the stormtroopers out, all of them, and then nuke the place from orbit. That’s the extent of my plan.”

"Brilliant plan," Poe said, and despite himself, Ben couldn't help but chuckle at least a little. Then he said, "I was thinking that Poe could provide cover fire. GG will stay at the ship and prime it, and Voe, Hennix and Tai will support me in lightsaber combat. They'll flank me."

"Good plan," Voe said. "I mean...as long as we get the kids out of there, any plan's a good one, isn't it?"

Ben nodded. "Anyone have any objections?"

Silence.

Tai spoke up. "Let's show them they're not invincible," he said.

Ben swallowed. It was about time that the First Order learned that, really. "Yes," he said. "Let's do this."

***

The thing about training under Luke, Ren and Snoke was that you found different ways to at least neutralize your enemies, if not kill them. Even moving smoothly through the Base, Ben found that it felt almost like old times, almost unsettlingly so. It was after incapacitating a stormtrooper that Ben noticed Poe was just staring at him, jaw almost slack. As was Tai. Voe looked skeptical, almost mistrusting. 

”Ben, don’t take this the wrong way,” she said. “But you weren’t usually this...good with a lightsaber.”

”I practiced,” Ben said. Which, from a certain point of view, was true. He couldn’t believe, in that moment, that he was taking a leaf out of Obi-Wan’s book, but he supposed there was a first time for everything. 

”It shows,” Poe said. Even the way he looked at Ben — Ben couldn’t say that he was used to this sort of admiration. Snoke had ridiculed him for being beaten by Rey on her first try, and Kylo had doubted that even the matter of him being wounded, tiring, and destroyed from the murder of his father had really been an excuse. If he had been a stronger Dark Sider, fought better against Rey...

Then again, Snoke had been erratic when it came to his treatment of Kylo Ren. Sometimes he had been gentle and showering Kylo with praise. Worthy. Powerful. Just to name two things. Sometimes he had been cruel. 

Ben still didn’t know how much was real and how much was manipulation. 

”Thanks,” Ben said, softly. The way Poe looked at him — he wished it could last forever. 

Of course, they had to go down to where the stormtrooper kids were being kept. As Kylo, Ben had never seen the interior of where the stormtrooper kids were taken. He had heard stories, of course. Stories about the training that the stormtroopers went through. Even opening the door...the kids looked relatively well-taken-care-of, though judging from the looks on their faces when they had their helmets off, that didn’t matter one bit. 

”It’s okay,” Poe said softly. “We’re just getting you out of here. It was Ben’s idea.”

One of the kids, an umber-skinned thirteen year old, looked up at Ben, and Ben realized with a jolt that he was FN-2187. 

”We’re on your side,” he said. 

It was once they reached the exit of the compound that FN-2187 spoke. 

“You have to get out of here,” FN-2187 said. “When she finds you...”

 _Phasma_. Of course, Ben thought. “It’s okay,” he said. “Don’t worry about us. You — you just focus on getting to the hangar. We have a ship, the _White-Tailed Hawk_. It can get you out of here, I promise.”

FN-2187 looked doubtful. Ben supposed that he couldn’t blame him. Phasma had likely ground out all hope from him, as had Hux Sr. and his son. _And to think I called him a traitor..._

If it was at all possible, Ben would have smacked Kylo Ren over the head for even thinking that. 

”What do your instincts tell you?” Ben said. 

FN-2187 said, “What do you mean by ‘instincts’?”

”The Force is in you,” Ben said. “I can feel it. Like an oasis. It’s protected you all these years, hasn’t it? Unseen, mostly felt.”

”So it’ll tell you,” FN-2187 said. “Who’s the enemy?” A pause. “There’s something off about you. Something not quite right...”

Footsteps. Metallic footsteps. Ben said, “Can you help get the others to safety?”

”For them,” FN-2187 said, “I’ll do it. It’s the right thing to do.” A beat. “You gave us a chance. Thank you.”

”It was the least I could do.” Ben said. 

Even as FN-2187 and the others headed towards the hangar, the metallic footsteps got closer. Voe froze. 

”Her presence,” she said. “There’s...there’s no conscience, there’s nothing there...”

And the way Voe sounded, Ben couldn’t blame her for how scared she was. He had felt something similar with Phasma when he was Kylo. How blank and void-like she felt, how dark. As dark as Snoke’s presence, if not darker. There were those in the First Order worse than himself. Phasma was an example of that. 

Phasma strode towards him, a menacing figure in chrome armor. “Where is FN-2187 and his squadron?” she said. 

”We don’t have to fight,” Ben said. “But you’re not getting to them.”

Phasma scoffed. “Your Jedi dogma won’t save you here, Ben Solo. You only escaped because Ren was too soft on you; he would have been too happy to gut someone else.” A beat. “I won’t make the same mistake.”

She drew her staff. Even as she lunged at Ben, Ben pressed back, his lightsaber pressing against her staff and burning a scorch mark in it. It was dangerously close to snapping in half. Voe tried to freeze Phasma, only for the attempt to be unsuccessful even as the staff threatened to snap in half, Ben pushing her away just to avoid a strike. 

Could he do this? Even though Phasma felt like a galaxy without stars, the coldest void, could he hurt her? He’d do whatever he could to make sure FN-2187 and the others had more time, but...

The staff broke, almost explosively, knocking Phasma and Ben both back. Phasma was undeterred, charging back at Ben every time he used the Force to, at least, slow her down. He pushed her back, she got back up, Ben having to freeze grenades she threw at him in place. 

”Not bad,” Phasma commented. “For a novice. Pity you’re in the Resistance — they would just weaken you.”

”The First Order isn’t any better,” Ben said. 

Phasma tilted her head. “You would insult the First Order that way?”

”It won’t make you happy, Phasma.” Despite the stormtrooper captain’s calm, Ben could tell just how confused she was, just from that one jerk of her head, that he knew her name. “It’ll destroy you. That’s what it does. They see you as disposable. Just...things to throw out when they’ve served their purpose.”

”Then,” Phasma said, “They’ll learn otherwise. I survived before, Resistance vermin. I will again.”

Ben could believe that much. Even as they dueled, throwing all they could at each other, Ben knew full well that it was just a distraction. Just enough to make sure that FN-2187 and the others escaped. That was enough to spur him on, even as he and Phasma threw everything they had at each other. Kicks, punches, weapon against weapon...

Ben stabbed through her chrome armor, through to her chest. Phasma fell to the ground, her breathing labored and wheezing through her helmet. “Do your worst,” she said.   
  


Of course she’d say that. Phasma wouldn’t beg for her life. Not like this. 

In a moment of pity, flashing back to when they had been at least acquaintances in battle, Ben called upon the Force, just to heal her wound. He knew it was risky, knew it had killed him last time, but he had to at least do something. 

Phasma looked up at him. It was hard to read the chrome helmet, but it was clear that she was bewildered. “It will be your undoing,” she said. “Your weakness.”

Ben nodded. “Or your cruelty may be yours.”

He got up. He had to admit he felt tired, more than tired, actually. Still, he supposed, the original timeline had enough bloodshed. He could definitely use having less, all things considered. 


	11. FN-2187

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren has an offer for Hux.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“The Jedi,” Brendol Hux said, slowly, “Beat you?”

Even as Armitage stood stiffly at his father’s side (Phasma knew better, of course. Knew that Armitage’s hatred of his father all but burned in him like a fire), Phasma faced Brendol rigidly. On Parnassos, she had been taught that you survived by any means necessary. It was how she’d kept herself alive so long. Survival. And somehow, this Jedi had not only spared her life, but healed her. Stupid, Phasma thought. Stupid, senseless. She hated Jedi. 

”There were extenuating circumstances,” Phasma said stiffly. “He was...more powerful than I expected.”

Ren, meanwhile, faced Phasma, Brendol and Armitage. “Whatever you say,” he said. “I’m impressed with him, actually.”

”Of course you’d be,” Brendol said scornfully. “I don’t care about your politics about who joins who. This boy is a menace, and menaces must be stamped out.”

Ren tilted his head. Phasma could have sworn that was the most emotion she could detect from the Knight. 

”Stamped out?” Ren said. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Brendol sighed. “You’re like a kath hound with a bone when it comes to that Jedi. He’s like all Jedi. I know Jedi, I served with Jedi, and I know how insufferable Jedi are. They’re so convinced, like all good villains, that they’re the heroes of their own stories. You think he’ll realize how wrong he was and join us?”

”You’d he amazed how persuasive the Shadow is,” Ren said. “Once Ben realizes the freedom he has through following the _ren_ , he’ll wonder why his mother sent him away to the Jedi in the first place.” A beat. “I can’t see as the Emperor does, but a Jedi’s will isn’t durasteel. Everyone breaks.”

”That sounds good,” Phasma said. “But he is still going to attack another facility.”

Ren paused. Phasma wondered if it was possible to tell what he was thinking behind that almost bloody-looking mask. 

”Then,” Ren said, “Having him follow the ways of the _ren_ would take care of that too.”

Ren didn’t sound unreasonable. Phasma would say that much. She could only hope that Ren wasn’t just being a sentimental fool. 

***

Phasma didn’t trust him. Of course she didn’t. They all most likely thought he was a sentimental fool, trying to preserve Ben Solo as opposed to destroying him. Ren was all for destroying things, but here...somehow, Ben was important to him. Valuable. And destroying something valuable was something that he couldn’t do. 

Brendol Hux would destroy Ben. And that...that Ren doubted he could just let happen.

It was then that an idea struck him. Armitage...he had no love for Brendol. Ren couldn’t say that he blamed Armitage, really. After all, Brendol treated Armitage poorly, and somehow he seemed to view all of this as normal. 

Brendol and Phasma were out of earshot when Ren spoke to Armitage. “Hey, kid,” he said. “You sure this is the life for you?”

Armitage bristled. The man really seemed to have no sense of humor, Ren thought. “I am not a child,” Armitage said. “And I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

”You’re right about the first one,” Ren said. “I know you hate your father. I know you have a good reason to. I have a solution for you.”

Armitage looked thoughtful, almost like he was weighing his options. Ren couldn’t say he blamed him. After all, Armitage still wanted Brendol’s approval. Even if Brendol had nothing to give in return. 

”Name it,” Armitage said. 

Ren would have to do clean-up in case, say, Mitaka overheard. But he said, “It won’t be pretty. It rarely is. But we could kill Brendol, together.”

Armitage raised an eyebrow. Despite how miniscule this reaction was, Ren could all but feel that the younger Hux was in conflict. “You think I’d commit patricide? With you?”

”He hasn’t given you anything in return,” Ren said. “Ever since you were a kid, he’s blamed you for his not being able to keep it in his pants. And he’s been punishing your mother, through you, ever since.”

”Don’t.” Ren could tell how Armitage was already coming apart...and not just from anger at his mother being brought up. 

”The will of _ren_ encourages competition. Brendol’s weak. And if you can prove that, that it’s your right, your destiny, to rise through the First Order...I know you are destined to rise, friend.”

Armitage swallowed even as Ren spoke. “I’m not your friend,” he said, but there was something in the waver of his voice that suggested that he was already caving to Ren. “I want my father to lose. I doubt I trust you.”

”Don’t follow me. Follow the ren — my ideology. No more, no less.”

Hux narrowed his eyes. Ren could tell that he distrusted the very idea of the ren having a will...but he’d come around. Ren was sure of it. 

***

”Where are we going, exactly?” FN-2187 asked. 

Ben nodded. “D’Qar,” he said. 

FN-2187 studied him. Ben studied him back, wondering how much of the man who was Finn in this teenage former stormtrooper. “You’re Resistance?” he said. 

”Technically.”

FN-2187 furrowed his brow. “I can’t put my finger on it. But there’s...something else.” A beat. “I don’t know if I’m ready to fight. Hux...Brendol Hux, that is; he said that there was no winning against the First Order.”

”Then he lied,” Ben said. 

”It sounds like him.” FN-2187 said. “I don’t think his son likes him either. It was like I could...feel sometimes how much he hated his father.”

Ben snorted. “I don’t think Hux — Armitage, that is — loves anything.”

”Well, his father doesn’t like him either,” FN-2187 said. “I could feel it. Sometimes he’d humiliate his son in front of us. I’d see it.”

Ben froze. He couldn’t say he expected that, if he was to be perfectly honest. Armitage Hux had never talked about his father. Probably a good reason, Ben thought. 

FN-2187 continued. "Brendol Hux is a monster, but his son...is there getting him out?”

Ben swallowed. “I can’t say,” he said. “We’re taking down the First Order bit by bit, so who knows what we can do?”

”That’s good,” FN-2187 said. He sighed. “Will D’Qar be safe?”

”Safe as can be,” Ben said. For all his mother’s faults, she wouldn’t just allow the Resistance to go down without a fight. 

”That’s good,” FN-2187 said. Then, “Is there a good place to sleep?”

Ben nodded. “The crew quarters aren’t far from here.”

Once FN-2187 had been escorted to the crew quarters, Ben headed back to the main hold, and then to the cockpit. Poe was obviously staring out into the blue, swirling vortex, like he was trying too hard to concentrate on it. 

It was as Ben walked into the cockpit that Poe turned to look at him. “Hey,” he said, smiling so easily at Ben that Ben felt his heart flutter. “You got the kids settled in?”

Ben nodded. “For the night.” He sat next to Poe in that moment, in the co-pilot’s seat, and turned to look at him. “Hopefully they’ll be safe. They deserve as much.”

”Your mom’s pretty good at keeping the planet safe,” Poe said. “Don’t worry about it.” A beat. “So...that was some fighting back there. How’d you do it?”

Ben paused. He ought to tell Poe the truth, but how did he even begin to explain something like this? “I practiced,” he said. It was more plausible than being thrown into the body of your past self, that was for sure. 

”It shows,” Poe said. “Gotta say, taking down the stormtroopers without killing them...I didn’t think of that.”

”They’re different,” Ben said. “They’re good as prisoners. Maybe they’ll come after us, maybe they won’t, but at least they have a chance.” 

”Yeah.” Poe sighed as he spoke. “Growing up on tales of the war, I thought stormtroopers were just monsters. It’s different, though, when you learn the First Order’s gone after kids.”

”They went after me too,” Ben said. “I mean, it’s not the same. They didn’t try and kidnap me. But they...tried manipulating me. Snoke, for instance. You hear the galaxy in your head long enough and you start going a bit mad...”

He didn’t expect Poe’s lips to part in shock, in horror. Then, “If I ever needed another reason to rip the First Order to pieces...”

”He told me the galaxy was broken,” Ben said. “That the Force was out of balance. That I had the Dark Side and the Light all but mixed inside me, and joining him would help me...know my place in all this...”

He halted. He was already afraid to say more, afraid of how he’d know, and how Poe would know, how thoroughly he’d been played. How even from the beginning, he’d been manipulated flawlessly. But no one had mind-controlled him, had they, no one had put a blaster to his head or threatened his loved ones or —

Had he done it because he wanted to? The Temple being destroyed was out of his hands, but had he just joined the Knights of Ren because he wanted to?

”Hey,” Poe said softly, “Snoke was just a manipulator. Sounds like he would have done it to just about anyone.”

Ben didn’t deserve those words. He knew full well he didn’t. And yet here he was, being so comforted by Poe. By what he was saying, which seemed to come down like rain. 

Poe continued. “You’re here, with us. Where you belong. That’s what matters most, doesn’t it?”

”I suppose,” Ben said. Then, “Talk to me.”

”What about?”

“Tell me more about yourself,” Ben said. There was still so much he didn’t know about Poe. He wanted to know everything. 

”Well,” Poe said, “I have a droid back on base. Orange and white BB unit, probably the most adorable droid ever.” A beat. “No offense to GeeGee, of course. He’s also sweet. But...BB-8’s a good droid.” Silence. “You got any droids?”

”Well,” Ben said. “I grew up with droid babysitters. Usually when Dad wasn’t home. Mom was...busy, most of the time. I don’t blame her for being busy; she had a galaxy to put back together. I just wish she’d heard Snoke in my head and...done something. I wish she hadn’t just acted like everything was fine and...”

”So it’s not the droid babysitters,” Poe said. 

”No. Even if one of them malfunctioned and tried to kill me once.”

”What?!” Poe exclaimed. 

”They didn’t know. Stars, I don’t even hate that droid." A beat. “It was a malfunction. He just...glitched. He tried to make it up to me afterwards, but...it wasn’t his fault that something messed with his programming.”

”Still. Stang,” Poe said. “I mean, my mom left me with my granddad, and he definitely didn’t try to murder me.”

”Good on him,” Ben said. 

Poe sighed. “Sometimes I wonder if you really hate anyone, Ben. Even Snoke.”

”I definitely hate Snoke,” Ben said. “And the Emperor. It’s the rest I’m not so sure about.”

”I have to admire that,” Poe said. “I know I definitely hate Snoke, after what he did to you.”

”You don’t have to.”

”Someone does,” Poe said.

At this rate, Ben thought, Poe Dameron was going to undo him. Unravel him. He ought to stay away. He knew that much. And yet he wanted to unravel, if it only meant...

”Your turn,” Ben said. “Why did you join the Resistance?”

Poe paused. Then, “It was the right thing to do. Plus...I’ve definitely done things I’m not proud of. I want to make up for that.”

”So do I. Though,” Ben said, “You seem so kind. So bright. I can’t picture you doing anything bad.”

Poe laughed, softly. “Ben...I wish I was perfect. I’m not. I’ve got stuff I wish I could make up for. I...well, I’ll tell you half of it. I ran away from home at sixteen after a fight with my dad. I don’t even know what the fight was about. But I didn’t come home for five years.”

”You’re not a bad person,” Ben said. _At least you didn’t kill your father..._

”I hope I’m not,” Poe said. “I’m trying to be good.”

”It’s not bad,” Ben said. “Really.”

Hesitantly, he let his fingers rest over Poe’s. Poe smiled faintly at him, and Ben could only hope that he could reassure Poe like this, if at all possible. 


	12. The New Padawans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben returns to D’Qar and struggles with the fact he’s falling for Poe. Meanwhile, Finn and Jannah train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was after a nightmare about fighting FN-2187 in the forest on Ilum that Ben jolted awake, looking frantically around the cockpit, where Poe was still asleep. For a moment, he wished he was the pilot, where the worst he’d done was have a fight with his dad and run away from home. Ben would have given just about anything for that, if he was to be absolutely honest. 

He supposed he had no one but himself to blame, in the end. Someone who had committed so many crimes. Maybe Snoke gave him the push he needed and so did Palpatine, but still...

He sighed. He supposed he was used to nightmares. Hearing the galaxy screaming in his head, hearing the voices that he knew Palpatine was mimicking. (How powerful was Palpatine really? And now, in this alternate timeline, how powerful was he?)

Poe shifted in his sleep, muttering something that sounded like “no, please, not them”, and Ben could all but feel the distress evident in Poe’s voice. Nightmares. 

”It’s okay,” he said. “I’m here, Poe.”

”I didn’t want this — I’m sorry — I didn’t want them dead — _no_!” Poe’s eyes flew open, and he looked around the cockpit frantically. 

”You’re safe, Poe,” Ben said. “You’re in the cockpit. You’re okay.”

Poe’s breathing was coming in shallow. Then, “Thank the stars.” He ran a hand through his hair, sighed. “Gods, I’m sorry...”

”I have nightmares too,” Ben said. “I always have.”

Poe nodded. Then, “How long?”

”Since...I can remember.” Ben said. Before, he’d seen Snoke as a friend, someone who could help fight the nightmares and reassure him that there were no monsters under the bed. He wondered how much of it was a pack of lies, and how much of it was Snoke being genuine. 

”I’m sorry,” Poe said, softly. 

”It’s fine. Who would have guessed,” Ben said. “We both have nightmares.”

Poe nodded.

”Maybe we could help each other?” Poe said. 

Ben nodded. Stars, he thought, he’d do what he could just to make sure Poe wasn’t unhappy. Still, it was really just a case of selfless love, right?

It wasn’t romantic. Ben Solo didn’t deserve that, after all. He didn’t deserve to be happy. He did deserve to be a better man. He’d say that much. Even if Poe would never accept him after what he’d done.

Yes. It was just a desire to be compassionate, to ease the other’s pain. He wasn’t being drawn in by Poe. Someone uncommonly caring, uncommonly kind. He wasn’t falling for that. 

”Okay,” Ben said. “Maybe we could just talk about things? What’s it like on Yavin? I mean, I heard stories about it but I never visited...”

“Well,” Poe said, “It’s beautiful. Clear blue skies. The jungles on Yavin...they’re incredibly green. Lush...”

Even as Poe recalled the details, Ben sat back in that moment, listening closely even as Poe all but painted a picture of his homeworld. He could imagine going there sometime, when all this was over. Seeing the jungles. Seeing the sky.

It was the least he could do. 

***

It was when they landed that Ben was reminded, once again, that Poe had a pull on him, more than he thought. 

BB-8 wheeled over to Poe, beeping excitedly even as Poe knelt in front of him and hugged him — at least as best he could. Ben was drawn to how brilliant, how bright, Poe’s smile really was even as he drew away, the blatant affection and delicacy he had around BB-8, and he swore that his heart ached. Never had Poe seemed so warm, and yet so unreachable. Untouchable. He hated to even think that he wasn’t worthy.

Poe stood up in that moment, and his smile faded away to worry as he took Ben in. “You okay?” he said. 

_I’m not_ , Ben wanted to say. _Because of all the things you do to me without meaning to_. He took a deep breath and said, “Fine. Just a long journey.”

Poe’s brows furrowed even as he stepped forward. As he gently took Ben’s hands — and despite the fact that Ben was far bigger than Poe, he still felt delicate and breakable in that moment, having the shorter man holding his hands like he was afraid Ben would break. “Did I do anything to upset you?” he said. 

”No,” Ben said. “You never could.” If only his heart wasn’t beating so fast. If only he didn’t feel like telling the truth — _I’m a monster from a bad future, and monsters can’t love angels_. 

He paused. Was he in love with Poe? It was too soon, wasn’t it? And Poe would never, ever stay with him if he knew what he’d done. 

”You're not happy,” Poe said. “I just know it.”

”I’ll be fine,” Ben said. "I promise.”

***

It was after meeting with General Organa that General Organa asked to borrow Ben for a moment. They sat down in the small office that she had, and it took a while before General Organa said, “Did you and Poe have a fight?”

”No,” Ben said. “It’s nothing that he’s done.” _Intentionally_. 

”Ben,” General Organa said. "It’s not just a matter of you getting along. I want you to be happy. Ever since Ren’s attack, you’ve been acting odd. Sadder than usual. Is it him? Did he hurt you more than you told us?”

”No,” Ben said. “He didn’t do anything I didn’t already describe.”

”Good. Ben, I know I haven’t been the best mother to you.” A beat. “I know that I haven’t always been around...”

”It wasn’t your fault. You were rebuilding the galaxy.”

”True,” Leia said. “Still...sometimes I wish that I had been here more. Been there for you more. It was hard, going off to work and leaving you behind, even if I thought that I was making things better for you. A better galaxy.” She smiled bitterly. “Look at us now.”

”You’re still trying to make a better galaxy.”

”Ben,” Leia said, “I would still give everything to spend more time with you. Every hour at work, every second I shouted myself hoarse in the Senate...you know I would give everything for more time with you.”

Ben smiled, a bit sadly. “I’m not worth that much. And I know why you had to do it. You were thinking about the galaxy.”

”Ben,” Leia said, “The moment you were born, I promised myself I’d do anything to protect you.” A beat. “Snoke...I don’t have a good excuse for not doing more against him. I suppose I was in denial — and he was good at...messing with my head. Making me think I was hallucinating, whenever I tried to help you.”

”I’m sorry,” Ben said. Stars, the idea of his mother suffering without him being able to help her (then again, what was he supposed to do? He’d been a baby), unexpectedly hurt his heart. Even thinking back to what he had said to his grandfather...already, he couldn’t help but think how cruel it was, especially for someone who was being gaslit by Snoke and Palpatine.

Leia shook her head. “It was my fault, Ben. I was stronger than this.”

”Snoke and Palpatine are good liars. They’re just not invincible. They’re not gods, not immortals. They can be beaten.” A beat. “And the fact you still fought against them...that’s strong, isn’t it?”

Leia nodded. “You know that?”

”I do. And I know you did the best you could. I know you fought, in your way. I know that you sent me to Uncle Luke so you could protect me, in your way.”

”Thank you, Ben.” Leia said softly. Then, “You and Poe...”

”We’re just getting to know each other.” Ben said. “It’s just...I think I know why you favor him.”

A furrow appeared between Leia’s eyes. “Favor him?”

”Yeah. He’s...everything I’m not. Beautiful. Brave. Kind. Wicked sense of humor...”

”Ben,” Leia said, “Don’t be ridiculous. Poe is a dear friend, but I wouldn’t trade you for the galaxy.” A beat. “Besides...who’s to say you don’t have those qualities yourself?”

”I...didn’t think of that.”

”You should,” Leia said. “More often. Poe is a dear friend, but...I think I am content with him just being a friend, no more, no less. That and I doubt his late mother would appreciate my trying to steal Poe.”

Ben smiled faintly despite himself. “I guess not.”

Leia chuckled. “It would be awe-inspiring and scary all at once, I will say that.”

Ben snorted. “Indeed.”

”But really, Ben,” Leia said. “Don’t even think for a minute that I would trade you for Poe. Poe is a good man, but he’s not you. And,” she added with a wry smile, “Shara would be displeased if I tried to steal Poe.”

Ben laughed. He couldn’t help it. And it felt good, at least. He didn’t know how he was going to deal with his newfound feelings for Poe. But talking with his mother, at least, felt good. 

***

FN-2187 — who had taken on the name “Finn” — began his training under Luke. It was one of those things where it just made sense, Ben thought. Some things lining up in the new timeline. Some things that were meant to be, even if they happened in different ways. One of his friends, who had named himself Jannah, was also training under Luke. Despite them being young teenagers — Finn was thirteen, Jannah sixteen — Ben knew that his uncle could handle the task. He’d had practice. 

Ben sat in the training center, watching Finn and Jannah train. They’d been trained in combat, of course, and Ben couldn’t help but feel his chest clench at the idea of younglings being taught how to kill for the First Order. 

_Is it any different than the Jedi?_ Even that idea was unsettling. The idea that Brendol had gotten ideas for how to “recruit” to the First Order thanks to the Jedi. It was something that Ben didn’t want to think too hard about.

Eventually, the training session drew to an end. Jannah and Finn were clearly tired, but proud of themselves. "I’ll have to say I’m more of a shooter person,” Jannah said. “Using a lightsaber, though...that should be interesting.” 

Luke smiled. “I say you adapt your fighting style however you like, Jannah."

”Great.” Jannah grinned. “I have to admit, this is interesting.” A beat. “Can’t wait to build my own lightsaber.”

She sounded so excited. Ben couldn’t help but think of a young boy who’d, long ago, felt that way. 

”I look forward to seeing it,” Luke said. “You should all take a break. Do some reading. Anything.”

Ben knew he was more than relieved to do that. 


	13. The Falcon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hux and Ren plot, and Ben begins making it up to/wooing Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Yes, I borrowed from the 1991 Beauty and the Beast for Poe and Ben’s scene together. So sue me; the library scene is adorable. <3

Getting Armitage Hux to join him, Ren mused, was far too easy. 

The young man was twenty-four years old, and he hated his father. For good reason. Apparently, Brendol had been doling out emotional and even physical abuse to his son from the time his son was a kid, and Ren couldn’t help but feel a stab of sympathy for him. Of course, even as Gabriel Soule, Jedi Knight, he had felt a great deal of affection and empathy for just about everyone. It seemed as Ren, old habits died hard, but it wasn’t like it was a bad thing. It had become part of Ren’s persona. Father, leader, teacher. 

In the end, Ren thought, the only thing they disagreed on was how to kill Brendol Hux. 

”Not exactly one for underhanded tactics,” Ren said. 

Hux raised an eyebrow. “What are you going to do, Ren? Challenge him to a duel? That would be unintentionally funny, if your goal was to kill him through laughing himself to death...”

”Point taken,” Ren said. Then, “Of course, you’d be amazed at what kind of things the Shadow can do.”

A sigh from Hux; Ren could tell how little patience Hux had for talk of Brilliance vs. Shadow. “Out with it.”

”There’s all sorts,” Ren said. “Crushing the victim, for example. You rupture their internal organs, and it’s...admittedly messy. We want something that’ll be quick. Not because I have any love for Brendol Hux, but because I don’t want any of us to be suspected. Palpatine won’t be happy one of his attack rancors got offed.”

Silence. 

”I suppose I should play the part well,” Hux said. “Should I compose an epitaph? ‘Here lies Brendol Hux. The father no one wanted but someone got anyways.’”

”Damn. Of course, I don’t blame you for hating him. Actually, Hux...maybe you should do the honors. He hurt you the most, didn’t he?”

Slowly, Hux nodded. And Ren knew that they were all but bound in this murder pact, and beyond. 

***

Ben woke up, after a dream where he was on Yavin with Poe (lying in the grass together only for Kylo Ren to barge into the scene, lightsaber ignited), feeling like something had shifted in the timeline that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. 

_It’s Ren_ , Anakin said. _Hux’s son has allied with him. I fear that Armitage will only become worse than he was in the original timeline, if that’s at all possible. Abuse only creates a trail of ruin in its wake.  
_

”No kidding,” Ben said. He turned over on his stomach and sighed. “I never thought I’d feel sorry for General Hux. Well, he did redeem himself in the end, but...”

 _He did help the Resistance. It just doesn’t make up for wiping out an entire system_. 

”And yet here I am,” Ben said. He sighed. “If I can be saved, why not Hux? We could at least try to intervene before he blows up a star system this time.”

 _You are correct. That depends on if Hux is willing to listen_. 

”Wonder how that would go, bringing that up to Mom,” Ben murmured. “ ‘Yeah, Mom, we have to save Brendol Hux’s son before he goes kriffing-blow-up-everything. Can we recruit him to the Resistance? He’ll try to be a good boy...’” Ben sighed. “Even Mom would think that was a stupid idea...”

 _You never know._ A beat. _Also, you seem very focused on trying to save everyone. You...remind me too much of me. I doubt reincarnation exists like the Milarans think it does, but you have so much of me in you. More than your uncle, or your mother. The difference was that you weren’t supposed to die like me..._

Ben nodded. “Obviously.” He sighed. “I thought I’d made so many mistakes. With Rey...it was a final act of redemption. Or at least, initially final.” A beat. “Kriff, time travel is weird.”

_It is._

“Did you ever consider going back in time yourself?”

Silence. _Then, I lived too long, Ben. I have no desire to live my life again_.

”What makes you less deserving than me?”

Silence. This time, it seemed Anakin couldn’t find an answer to that. 

Ben sighed. “I’d meditate, but...I hated meditating. It was like I could hear the galaxy no matter how I tried. I should...do something else.”

It was sitting at his desk in his room that Ben took out his calligraphy set. He hadn’t done it in...stars, a decade. When had he done something as normal, as ordinary, as testing letters on a page. He could remember his father’s words. “ _I’m not good at art stuff myself, kiddo, but I hope you like it._ ”

Rey had asked him why he hated his father. Kylo had told her the truth when he said that he never had hated his father. It would be easy to assume that Han Solo was abusive on the level of Brendol Hux, or that Ben Solo had been a brat who had everything who joined the Dark Side just to spite his parents over something trivial. Ben could imagine that either interpretation would make for a dull holo that would at least appease the people who wanted a comfortable reaffirmation of their worldview, whether it was the idea that everything could be justified by a bad childhood or that children just existed to make their parents look good. 

The truth was, Ben had loved his father with all he was. His father, who hadn’t understood the Force and likely thought Light vs. Dark was ridiculous (all the more because his father no doubt knew that some of the worst monsters didn’t need the Force. Lady Proxima was proof of that, as was Dryden Vos), but had listened and reassured Ben that there wasn’t a drop of darkness in him. (Han had been wrong. Ben sometimes wondered if his father’s view was colored by the sheer adoration that most parents had towards their offspring) His father, who tolerated Ben following him around as a toddler and called him “little bandit”. His father, who hadn’t been perfect, but had loved him so fiercely he likely would have killed the galaxy for him just to keep him safe. 

If Han had known about Palpatine and Snoke terrorizing his wife and son...well, Ben thought with a faint smile that he didn’t think he’d have thinking about his father, both Palpatine and Snoke would have had to check their closets and under their beds to make sure Han Solo didn’t get them. 

And Ben had killed him in the original timeline, just because he had loved him, and because he felt he had to prove he was “strong”. Committed to the Dark Side. And even that hadn’t worked; Kylo had just felt more lost than ever. All while Snoke had just moved the goalposts...

 _How could he — and Palpatine — hurt me like that, use me like that_? Or was he just looking for someone to blame? But Palpatine and Snoke targeting him when he was a kid...how was he supposed to know?

 _You can’t be completely blamed or completely absolved_ , Anakin said. _I say you have a right to get angry at how much Palpatine and Snoke stole. As long as you don’t let it immobilize you_. 

”I just don’t know why,” Ben said. “I mean...I didn’t have a big red target on my back, did I?”

 _It was Palpatine. Call it his way of throwing a temper tantrum after losing_.

”I guess.” It was just hard, Ben thought, thinking that he had been used as part of a petty revenge plot. “At least I’ve got a second chance. Thank you.”

 _It was the least I could do_ , Anakin said. 

Even writing out letters on flimsiplast — a simple series of five words: _Ben Solo, son of Han Solo_ — Ben couldn’t help but feel at least slightly at ease. Like he was where he belonged. 

***

Ben didn’t know how long he was up. It wasn’t anything new, really — when Ben wasn’t having nightmares, he had really bad bouts of insomnia. It was usually Tai that comforted him in the morning. Granted, Tai didn’t know about Snoke and Palpatine. He wondered, really, how much he could tell Tai. Including about Poe. How he was falling under the spell of this beautiful, talented man while feeling so unworthy. 

He found himself sketching out his feelings in that moment. Palpatine, attached to that odd clawlike mechanism. (What was that thing anyway?) Snoke in his gold robe, seeming almost bird-like. The monsters he remembered. And the people who’d tried to save him. Lor San Tekka. Rey. Han. Leia. Now Poe. 

Even sketching Poe only brought back more of those feelings from earlier in the hangar. How he had been drawn to Poe’s smile, how gentle he was towards BB-8. He’d chosen Rey in the original timeline because she’d been as lonely as he was, but Poe? Even watching him was like seeing a comet shooting across a sky. A radiant meteor shower. Seeing how gentle he was, how caring and kind...

”I want to do something for him,” Ben said. Of course, where did you begin in trying to make up for torturing someone in the original timeline, when they didn’t even know. 

_The way I see it, as long as you don’t start talking about sand, you’re fine_ , Anakin said. 

Ben furrowed his brow. 

_My small talk wasn’t very good when I was your age. Especially around your grandmother. I saw her...much like you see Poe now. Like something untouchable, something unspeakably beautiful_. 

Ben nodded. Though he had to admit that the mental image of his grandfather, the most feared man in the galaxy, being a dork around his grandmother, was almost funny. And sweet; no one would have guessed that a Queen-turned-Senator of Naboo could all but bring a powerful Jedi (later Sith Lord) to his knees. 

His grandmother must have truly been remarkable. 

”So...Poe said he likes flying,” Ben said. 

_Take him flying then._

***

”General...Mom...can I borrow Poe for a moment?”

Even looking closely at Ben, Poe couldn’t help but find it almost endearing, seeing the tall, muscled nineteen year old with the galaxy in his eyes stammering and wondering how to address his mother. 

Leia smiled. “Call me ‘Mom’, Ben. And yes, you may.” A beat. “I will say ‘General Mom’ has a nice ring to it...”

”Okay, General Mom,” Ben said lightly, and Poe stared in wonder at Ben; had Ben Solo actually made a joke? 

Even heading outside, Ben said, “Okay, Poe, close your eyes. It’s a surprise!”

Poe raised an eyebrow. “Good surprise or bad?”

”Good.”

”Well, good,” Poe said. He closed his eyes, even as Ben led him along towards the hangar by his hands. Somehow, he didn’t expect to feel fragile-yet-safe next to Ben, and yet he loved it. 

Finally, Ben said, “You can open your eyes now.”

Poe did. In front of him was the _Millennium Falcon_. 

”Ben,” he said, “Tell me at least your dad let you...”

”Mom told me a bit how you wanted to fly this ship,” Ben said. “And Dad didn’t mind. He said Uncle Lando wouldn’t mind either; he and Uncle Lando had arguments about whether Dad actually won that ship fair and square...”

Poe chuckled. “More I hear about your family, more fun they sound.”

Ben smiled, but it had a rueful edge. “Yeah. I wish I’d realized it earlier.”

”Hey,” Poe said. He laid a hand on Ben’s shoulder. He could have sworn, the way Ben looked at him, he was blushing a little. “You’re here now, where you belong.”

Ben smiled. Stars, he had to be beautiful as well as mysterious and nigh untouchable. Poe wished he could, somehow, crack the code behind Ben Solo — know everything about him. 

Stars, he wished he could make Ben smile more. 

”Show me to the _Falcon_ , Master Jedi,” Poe said lightly. “I trust you.”

It was definitely worth it, just to see Ben’s lips twitch a little. 


	14. Starkiller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendol Hux’s murder leads to terrifying developments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The way that Poe stared even as he headed towards the cockpit, taking in the winding corridors — Ben could relate to it, in a way. Of course, it was different when you were returning to a ship that, last you saw it, you wanted it blasted out of the sky. 

Ben couldn’t remember why he’d gotten so angry that day on Crait. He could swear that the whole day had been like a blur for him. Like killing Snoke and his Praetorian Guards had finally snapped something loose in Kylo, and everything had exploded. Everything that, believe it or not, he had been holding back. Everything that he’d been hiding. It had been violent, crashing, and at the end, it had left him feeling empty. 

Even when he’d found his father’s dice, even when Rey had closed the door on him, he had felt all but empty. 

At least he could make it up now. Even as he stroked the side of the Falcon’s interior, he smiled faintly. He could safely say that he regretted ordering the Falcon fired on. He could safely say he regretted just about everything. 

They made it to the cockpit, and Ben couldn’t help but gently caress the golden, gleaming dice that hung there, thinking of his father telling him how those dice had just almost always been with him, how he’d kept them in the cockpit not just to remember his late father (Ben’s paternal grandfather) but also his past love, Qi’ra. 

Ben supposed he’d have to ask his father about Qi’ra. 

Even as he turned to look at Poe, Poe looked at him, smiling. “So,” he said, “What is it with the dice?”

”Far as I know,” Ben said, “They’re something that Dad just kept.” _Dad_. It was about time he started calling Han Solo that, outside of Kef Bir. Outside of that moment he’d had before he’d died the first time — and been thrown back. 

”What for?” Poe said. 

“Remembering,” Ben said. “A friend of his.” He didn’t know if he wanted to tell Poe too much about what he’d heard about Qi’ra, at least not unless Dad was okay with it. “And his dad. My grandfather — on dad’s side.”

”That’s...” Poe’s fingers brushed briefly against Ben’s before he took a look at the dice for himself. “Oh, they’re beautiful,” Poe said. “Yeah.”

Ben nodded. "Dad actually let me hold the dice,” he said. “When I was...when I was very small." It was interesting, recalling something about his childhood that wasn’t Snoke, or Palpatine. “My childhood wasn’t all bad. Some parts...some parts were pretty good.”

A furrow came between Poe’s eyes. “You seem sad.”

”I’m fine." He had to explain himself to Poe eventually. And yet he paused. How much would it jeopardize the mission? More selfishly, Poe would run away if he knew, and even that idea was nigh unbearable. 

Poe was close — close enough, Ben thought. Too close. “I want to know everything about you.”

Ben smiled, a bit wryly. “Given I’m the Resistance’s resident bad boy, who says a bit of mystery doesn’t work in my favor?”

”Maybe,” Poe said. “I mean...doesn’t help that you’re sweet. The sort of ‘bad boy' with a soft center. Everyone loves a good story about that.”

Ben forced himself to smile, if faintly. He knew Poe would reconsider if he knew what was really going on. “True,” he said. Then, feeling emboldened, “You’re better looking than me. Well, from a purely objective standpoint. You don’t have big ears, to start with. I mean, when I was a kid, Mom and Dad said that my big ears gave me super-hearing.” A sigh. “I wish.”

”Don’t say that,” Poe said. “I like your ears. Really.”

Ben paused. Had anyone ever really said that to him before? Poe continued. “Besides...there’s so much. Your eyes. Your hair...like, seriously, great hair. And when you smile, really smile. It’s something I wished I could get out of you. Just that smile.”

Ben swallowed. “No one’s ever said that to me before. Well, Mom and Dad tried...”

”I’m just saying, I’d be surprised if no one had Ben Solo posters lining their walls or something.”

Ben snorted. “Jedi don’t sell posters.”

”Maybe there’s someone in the texts you didn’t know about?” Poe teased. 

Ben chuckled, despite himself. Stars, he didn’t know how being around Poe could be both healing and agonizing. “Impossible man.”

”I’d say irresistible.”

”Again, impossible.”

They paused in that moment, and Ben wondered what he had done to deserve someone like Poe Dameron as a friend. 

”You can sit in the cockpit,” he said. “Just to begin with. I’ll make sure you don’t violate the laws of hyperspace.” He kept his tone light on the last sentence. 

”Why, Master Jedi!” Poe said lightly. “I would never.”

”I’m watching you, Dameron,” Ben joked. Of course, he’d never seen Poe actually do anything that would break the laws of hyperspace travel, but given that Poe was a combination of brilliant and impulsive-as-hell (with a healthy side of being just plain enchanting), he probably would try. 

Of course, it was usually the brilliant-if-impulsive folks that made history. 

It was after priming the engines proper and starting up the ship that Poe swooped into the skies of D’Qar. They didn’t leave the planet, but Ben knew he got one hell of a view from the clouds. The base...he didn’t think that he would see a complex that was so small from the skies above. 

They flew, and to Poe’s credit, he was an accomplished flier, managing to navigate smoothly through the clouds. A responsible one too, Ben thought, though he didn’t know if “Most Responsible Pilot In The Resistance” had the same ring to it. 

”It’s gorgeous!” Poe exclaimed even as they glided through the clouds. “I didn’t think it would be this beautiful!”

”I know!” Ben exclaimed back. He didn’t think that the expanse of D’Qar would be that beautiful, with how blue the skies were, and how lush and green some of below was. The structure of the base. “It’s so cool!”

And when was the last time that he had actually taken joy in flying, really? He couldn’t say that he’d had this much fun in...well, a long time, actually. 

When they did land, they were both talking at once. “That was some flying,” Ben said. 

”Thanks!”

”It’s true. I didn’t think that I would see D’Qar like that...”

”I know! All that green — ”

” — all that sky — ”

”It was perfect!” 

They paused, and Ben realized in that moment that he was falling deeper under Poe’s spell. This man, drawing him in dangerously close. The truth was, though...he wouldn’t be good for Poe. Not with all he’d done to Poe in the original timeline. Even the fact that the original timeline was all but wiped out...

”Ben,” Poe said, “Thank you. Flying the Falcon was...amazing. Though,” and here, he smiled faintly, “I’m impressed your dad actually let you do that.”

”He seems...supportive of our friendship,” Ben said. He wished he could say more than that. Then again, Poe...didn’t he deserve a lover who hadn’t hurt him in one of the worst ways imaginable. 

”Cool,” Poe said. Then, “Ben...are you happy here, with me?”

Ben swallowed. “I am,” he said. “Poe...I have to tell you something — ”

Footsteps. Running footsteps to be more precise. Even as Luke sprinted into the _Falcon,_ Ben sighed in frustration. “Hold that thought.”

He ran towards Luke, sighed. “You know,” he said wryly, “You could have just messaged me on a datapad. You know, like non-dramatic people do.”

”There’s something you need to see, both of you,” Luke said. “And incidentally, how did you take Han’s ship out without him losing his mind?”

”Long story,” Ben said. Even as he and Poe descended the loading ramp, he knew that what was going to happen next probably wasn’t very good. 

He was right. Even viewing Hux’s speech on the holoscreen, the only-twenty-four-year-old General was really playing it up. Talking like the Resistance had somehow poisoned Brendol Hux. Even hearing Hux all but shrieking about the “loathsome Resistance” and how they would pay for killing a “great man”...

”That lying...son of a schutta,” Poe said. ”We didn’t kill Brendol! Bastard’s painted a great big target on our backs when we didn’t do anything.”

Hux continued on the screen. “Kill them!” he all but shrieked in that moment. “We will hunt the Resistance savages to the end of the galaxy and wipe their disgusting taint from the face of the galaxy. They will die for this — in great pain! And all who assist them will be erased from the face of the galaxy!”

It reminded Ben too well of Hux rehearsing for his Starkiller Base speeches. Debuting the weapon. Hux had justified it as it being necessary. “ _Bao-Dur, designer of the Mass Shadow Generator, said all we do is in the name of peace and security. A few Mandalorian lives meant little if it meant countless others were saved. So it is the same with the Resistance.”_ And Snoke had just wanted Luke dead. Of course, the truth of why Hux did what he did was simpler — he hated the Resistance with an almost obsessive fire, seeing them as “animals” and “savages”. 

And Hux would most likely go for Hosnia Prime, like last time. 

”We’ve got to do something,” Ben said. “Kill whatever he’s using with fire.”

Leia spoke up. “Tell me what he’s using.”

”It’s in my visions,” Ben said. “They’ve probably been working on it, at least. It’s the planet, Ilum. They’re using it as a sort of Death Star. Excavating, ravaging, until it’s what they need to be: a weapon of war.”

And the look on his mother’s face — she looked not only shocked, even stricken, but the closest Leia Organa could get to terrified. “It’s happening again,” she said. 

“It doesn’t have to,” Ben said. “Alderaan’s destroyed, but the Hosnian System is still very much there and needs us.”

”Then,” Leia said, “We’ll have to do what we can to defend it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: Let’s say Hux being a screeching omnicidal fanatic does have a purpose. He obviously hates the Resistance, but he and Ren are also stirring the First Order into a frenzy. It kills two birds with one stone for Hux: covering up his murder of his father, and destroying his enemies/getting other people onboard with it. (And Bao-Dur definitely wouldn’t approve of Starkiller Base) I think what people do forget about Hux is that he’s not harmless by any means. He has a sympathetic backstory, but to quote Brooklyn Nine-Nine, “Cool motive. Still murder.”
> 
> And I know Leia’s reaction seems over-the-top, but considering she’s an Alderaan survivor, I don’t think she would be particularly calm/“Whatever” dealing with another iteration of the Death Star on a system-killing scale.


	15. Kuruk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both sides prepare for battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for mentions of rape and torture (lies about it, but still mentions!).

Even outlining the advantages and disadvantages that Starkiller Base had, Ben knew that with that knowledge, they could take down Starkiller Base and protect the Hosnian system. Ben hadn’t been able to protect the Hosnian system as Kylo. He could do it now. 

Leia sighed in relief. “Thank you, Ben. We definitely need everything we can in order to win against the First Order.”

Ben nodded. “We do.” A beat. “Are you all right?”

”I am,” Leia said. “I didn’t think that Alderaan would possibly happen again.”

”I know.” Ben sighed. “But it won’t. Not if we have anything to say about it.”

Leia smiled. “That’s good.”

***

Kuruk Ren couldn’t say that he liked reporting to the Emperor. His leader, Ren, he was fond of — after all, Ren had been kind to him when he’d found him, nothing more than a spacer on Nar Shaddaa. But the Emperor? Saying he had something of a mean streak was putting it mildly. Affable one minute, cruel the next. Kuruk hadn’t thought it was possible to fry someone with Force Lightning across space, but apparently the Emperor could. Even Snoke wasn’t really immune from the Emperor’s moments of sadism, and mostly took them out on other people. 

The Shadow wasn’t glorious. Kuruk knew that. It was, if anything, cruel and sadistic. Kuruk stayed on because he doubted the Brilliance was any better. 

Kuruk knelt before the place where the Emperor’s hologram would appear, and even as the menacing image of the Emperor’s face (the way it was melted reminded Kuruk of a lizard, but of course, Kuruk wouldn’t say that to the Emperor’s face. It made sense anyway; after all, Force Lightning was quite powerful. It was amazing that Palpatine hadn’t been reduced to atoms in his confrontation with Mace Windu) appeared, Kuruk removed his mask. 

“What is thy bidding, Your Highness?” Kuruk said. 

“The Resistance seeks to destroy Starkiller Base,” said the Emperor. “As pilot for the Knights of Ren, you will lead the defense against these Rebel scum. Do not hesitate; show no mercy.”

Kuruk merely nodded. “As you wish, my lord.”

Even as the Emperor’s hologram faded, Kuruk stood up and put his helmet on. Ren wouldn’t be happy about this, of course — he had gotten attached to Ben Solo. Perhaps too much, Kuruk thought. (Of course, Ren was the sort who fancied himself to be all-loving. Something that Kuruk did occasionally wonder about getting him into trouble...)

He had to assemble his squad, of course. All of them. Get them into action. They had to get to Ilum to defend it — even if Kuruk wasn’t sure how he felt defending a system-killer. (It was because they still needed planets to conquer, right?)

***

”I’ve called you together because the task I have for you is important.”

Kuruk stood before his squad, who were dressed in uniforms that were much like the First Order TIE pilots’, albeit modified helmet-wise. 

”The Resistance seems to take down Starkiller Base,” Kuruk said. “They would take down a whole sentient planet as long as they took down their hated enemies. Wildlife, civilians, soldiers...it’s like both Death Stars. As long as they see us as monsters, they have no problem destroying a whole planet.”

 _Just like they have no problem torturing their enemies_ , Kuruk thought. He had never seen a case of it firsthand, but he had heard the stories, up to and including having the guards rape their prisoners (especially the women). Kuruk couldn’t bear it if one of his squad fell into Resistance custody. Where they could be tortured, starved, beaten, raped, simply for being the enemy. 

Kuruk would most likely give his life if it meant that didn’t happen. 

Kuruk continued. “It won’t be an easy fight. I know not all of you will come back. Though I promise, if we die, we die with honor. Defending those we serve to the end. My brothers, my sisters...let us fight!”

The squad saluted. Kuruk was grateful for the mask, as it allowed him to hide how scared he was. But at the same time, he wished that he could remove his mask. Just so his squad could see how much he truly, deeply cared for all of them. They were brilliant, beautiful beings, and he would die for them if need be. 

***

Packing up for Starkiller Base was already daunting, Ben had to admit. After a discussion with his mother, his mother had reluctantly allowed Ben to come with them, at least as someone who could take down the shields. Ben was almost relieved, even though he feared that Poe would most likely be in danger without Ben looking after him. (Then again, Poe had most likely been doing this for years. What did Ben know, really?)

”Nervous, kid?” Han said. 

Ben nodded. “A little.”

”It’ll be fine. It’ll be like how both Death Stars were destroyed — go in, blow it up, get out.”

Ben smiled, if faintly. Of course, the fact that Starkiller Base had once been a planet...had that been why Snoke (and likely Palpatine?) chose it? To make destroying it more difficult? It was one thing to destroy a space station. It was another to destroy a planet. 

”I hope,” Ben said. “It is admittedly difficult...having to destroy a planet too.”

Han nodded, grimly. “It’s never easy, kid. If war were easy, it wouldn’t be so bad. Sometimes it’s not as easy as fighting good guys and bad guys. I mean, Tarkin definitely deserved to die for destroying an entire people, but there were probably those on both Death Stars that didn’t deserve to die. Your uncle actually wondered about that. How many of the people on both Death Stars were monsters.”

”He did what he had to do,” Ben said. 

”He did. Both Death Stars weren’t inclined to be merciful. Think the Emperor would have killed everything on Endor, even his own troops, if it meant wiping us out. That’s why we fight, kid. Preserving our lives, and all life in the galaxy.”

”Dad,” Ben said, smiling faintly. “When did you get so wise?”

Han shrugged. “I had a lot of time to think about this.” A beat. “Chewie’s actually let you have the copilot seat. Figured it was time I let you pilot with me.”

Ben swallowed. His throat felt suddenly tight. “Dad, you don’t have to — ”

”No, really. You’re old enough. And you’re my son. Consider it a gift I’m giving you — one Solo to another.”

Ben smiled despite himself. “I’ll take care of her, Dad.”

”I had a feeling you would.”

They walked into the cockpit, Han lightly caressing his lucky dice as he sat down, like he was hoping that they’d help him — help them both — against the battle that was to come. 


	16. Ilum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After working with Han on rigging the base to explode, Ben does something stupid. To reverse a Batman Forever quote, noble, but stupid. 
> 
> (Yes, this author has seen Batman Forever. Don’t @ her)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Sorry this chapter’s so short!

Coming out of hyperspace in time, Ben wasn’t prepared for them to shoot straight into Ilum’s snowy forests, to graze the top of the trees and probably nearly take something off the Falcon. It was something that was enough to make Ben flinch. “Dad,” he said, “You sure this is a good idea?”

Han snorted. “I’ve pulled crazier stunts than this. We’ll find a good place to land soon enough.”

Ben could hope. His father was a phenomenal pilot, but also clearly mad. Then again, the man who made the Kessel Run had to at least be slightly mad. Slightly.

They landed, and Ben drew his robes tighter around himself, shivering. He didn’t expect Starkiller Base to be so harshly cold, the wind seeming to sting his cheeks. Chewie, behind them, growled softly. 

”Yeah, I know,” Ben said. “Inside will be warm soon enough.”

They entered, and Ben extended his Force senses outwards — the space battle was all but chaotic overhead, but Poe was okay. Ben hoped it stayed that way. Same as the other pilots. Ben couldn’t help but worry nonetheless. Same with Mom. Same with everyone on Hosnia Prime.

Even as he entered the interior of Starkiller Base, Ben couldn’t help but look around, taking in the all-too-familiar sights. The coldness, how sterile it all seemed. Ben couldn’t help but think of when he had patrolled the hallways looking for Rey. That was when he’d first captured her, when he was trying to get revenge on his Uncle. 

How much of his life had he wasted?

”Pretty big, isn’t it?” Han said. “Best we can do is shut down the shields. The galaxy’s counting on us...and your boyfriend.”

Ben sighed. “You can speculate about my love life when we’re out of here.”

”Fair enough. Sorry.” Han took a deep breath. “So...any ideas?”

”From my visions,” Ben said, and he already felt guilty lying even more about things, but how would he even begin to explain that he was a time traveler? “We’ve got to shut down the shields. I don’t have the codes...but I know someone who will. More specifically, Phasma.”

Han sighed. “Good luck with that. I think she’d rather die than give up the codes.”

”I guess it depends,” Ben said. 

***

”You think that I would willingly give the codes to you?” Phasma said. They had captured her, now holding her in the room where the shields could be deactivated so Poe and the others could get through. “Just because you healed me, and foolishly at that, doesn’t mean I would help you.”

Han sighed. “Bit ungrateful, isn’t she?”

Ben ignored his father, turned to Phasma. “Phasma,” he said. “I have no desire to kill you. That’s why I did what I did. Saving you back there. I don’t hate anyone. Least of all you.”

Phasma looked at him. Really looked at him. “You truly believe that? That’s the hill you want to die on?”

Slowly, Ben nodded. “In another timeline,” Ben said, “I might have called you ‘comrade’, if not ‘friend’.”

”I assure you, I am no one’s comrade. No one’s friend. I have no use for them.”

And Ben saw. He saw Phasma, and how willing she was to kill and betray. Her own family, to begin with. Ben knew he ought to be repulsed, though it wasn’t as if he had much of a leg to stand on. He had killed his father in the old timeline, and nearly fired on his own mother, out of a belief both things would quiet the chaos in him. 

Of course Snoke told a lot of lies. Phasma...was it possible that someone else had told her similar lies, someone who thought that she could be manipulated like Ben was?

Phasma continued. “Your eyes...did your Force tell you the truth? We all do what we can, in the name of survival.”

Ben swallowed. He knew he should hate Phasma, and yet considering he was once like her...could he really criticize her?

"I felt like you once,” Ben said. “You’re not doomed by your choices. The Emperor’s using you, he’s using all of us. If you don’t get out, you’ll just be no more than an easily discarded pawn. And I don’t think anyone wants to be that.”

Phasma studied them closely. Ben studied her back. And then she got up. Tinkered with the shields. Of course she’d do that, Ben thought. Phasma was a survivor, first and foremost. She did what she could to stay in the game as long as she could. Ben supposed he wasn’t so different, once upon a time. 

Ben had to knock her out afterwards. The truth was, he regretted it. Still, he wasn’t about to just abandon the idea of helping Phasma. Not when they used to be on the same side. 

”You know,” Han said, sounding uncomfortable, “There’s probably a reason they have a trash compactor on base...”

”The more people we turn away from the First Order, the better,” Ben said. 

”I guess,” Han said. “Just don’t know if she’d be up to it.”

Ben nodded. “You never know,” he said. 

Even contacting Poe via comlink, Ben told him they were free to get through. Poe’s whoop of joy...well, Ben had to grin despite himself. “Way to go, Ben!” he said. “I’m goin’ in there and firing with all I’ve got.”

”You’ll do great,” Ben said. 

”Thanks,” Poe said. “You should get to work. Setting off those explosives.”

”Yeah.” 

Even setting up the explosives around the base — Chewie taking care of Phasma — Ben felt the all too familiar icy presence on base that signaled that Ren was here. Ren was here, with Hux, and Ben knew that if the base blew up, it would most likely take Ren with it. 

And he couldn’t let that happen. 

”I think that’s everything,” Han said. “Thank the stars. Now...I guess we just need to set the explosives off and get out of here.”

”I have to get someone,” Ben said. 

Han paused. Then, “Kid, there’s no one you know in the First Order — ”

”There is and I can’t leave him!”

Ben sprinted off towards the bridge, using the Force if only to augment his speed. He faintly heard Han shouting, “Come back here, Ben!” but he couldn’t just let Ren burn with the base. Didn’t the Jedi hold all life sacred, even that of a Knight of Ren?

He reached the door to the bridge in that moment. Opened it, forcing a breath into his lungs, and walked inside. 


	17. Gabriel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn more about Ren, and Ben makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Sorry this is so late — writer’s block!

It was quiet in here. Too quiet. Even as Ben entered, it seemed that the officers were simply working on keeping the Resistance pilots from destroying Starkiller Base rather than confronting Ben. 

Ren was facing away from Ben even as Ben walked in, already swearing that the beating of his heart was the only thing that mattered. Besides Ren. Besides the man who, at the moment, only showed his cape flowing down his back. 

Only his head seemed free of scarring, Ben thought. Covered in graying hair. He wasn’t wearing his mask, Ben noticed. Probably some misguided belief that he was sparing Ben any sort of horror. Probably some attempt to unsettle him. Probably anything, really. 

Then Ren actually turned around, and he looked weary. “Kid...you shouldn’t be here.”

”Starkiller Base has been mined,” Ben said. “We mined it. You’re not going to survive this. When the base blows up...”

”You’d really do this, kid?” Ren said. “Even following the Brilliance?”

Ben swallowed. Then, “I’d do whatever I could to keep the galaxy safe.”

"You could say we’re not that different then,” Ren said. He walked towards Ben. “I didn’t tell you why I became Ren, did I?”

”I know your name was Gabriel Soule, before you became Ren.”

Ren grew uncommonly quiet. He didn’t fly into a rage. He didn’t have a breakdown. But Ben knew that he had struck a nerve with him. He didn’t look jovial as he usually did; he just looked very much alone. 

Ben continued. “Ren’s just a word. It doesn’t just mean ‘lightsaber’. It’s what you call your weapon. And when you took on that title...”

”...I became will itself,” Ren said. His voice was quieter, more subdued. “Kid...if you know all this, you know that it would take more than an exploding base to kill me. I’ve survived explosions, plague...things that would kill a normal being. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe.”

”And I’ve done things that can’t be easily forgiven,” Ben said. “There was a timeline where I took up your mantle. It cost everything.”

Ren was quiet. Then, “Of course the Shadow costs things. That’s nothing new. It can give and take away in equal measure.”

”Even your life?” Ben said. 

A beat. “I can die a thousand, a million, a billion times, kid, and still I’ll rise again as strong as before.”

”Enough talk, Ren,” Hux sneered. “Kill him.”

This time, something flashed in Ren’s eyes. It was a disadvantage to wearing the mask, Ben thought — his eyes were too expressive, too blue.

Too vulnerable. 

”Hux,” he said, “Wait.”

”He’s Resistance vermin. An animal,” Hux said. “Even you know that.”

Ren looked...well, he looked like Ben hadn’t expected him to look.

He looked _lost._

***

Ben knew who he was. 

It shouldn’t have happened. If he didn’t feel the same kinship he had felt for the lonely, brilliant, underestimated kid who crossed his path, all formed through the telepathic conversations they had...

He should have hated Ben Solo, just for bringing up a name that he’d lost in the fire. In the explosion — reaching out to his Master, Ekari, while the white light and fire consumed him...

_And then waking. Asking for Ekari. “Please, tell me that the worst she got was being badly burned...”_

_The medical droid spoke. (Between this and other times that he had woken with droids tending to his injuries — on occasion — Gabriel Soule learned to hate medical droids) “I am sorry. The woman who came for you...she did not make it.”_

_”What,” Gabriel said (and everything hurt, not just his body), “Happened to her?”_

_”She died,” the droid said. He sounded fearful. “Her body was never recovered — no wonder considering the explosion...”_

_Gabriel wanted to destroy the medical droid. His hand — and stars, his hand. Was there nothing of his body that didn’t escape the burns? — clenched, the movement seeming almost grotesque as he did it. Anything would have been good, as long as he got to lash out at someone, anyone. As long as he could make someone share in the torment that would have made the explosion preferable.  
_

_**I couldn’t have been responsible for her death good as killed her stars I couldn’t have killed my own master...** _

_He’d loved her. Loved her for how she gave and helped and moved the stars for strangers she just met yesterday. As one would worship their mother, so he had worshipped Ekari. And as one would love their child, she had loved him. And he couldn’t even avenge her death because he had caused it..._

It had made things almost easier, knowing that he couldn’t go back to the Jedi. Knowing they wouldn’t forgive him. Knowing that in a way, they had murdered her too, by sending her for him. Perhaps one of the only good people on the Council, and they had killed her. 

And he’d hated them. He hadn’t acknowledged it, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t there. 

No wonder he had loved Ben, as a father would their child. Ben was rarer than he knew, and though everyone saw the monster they wanted him to be (even Ben’s mother), there was practically an oasis of kindness in this one boy that couldn’t be extinguished. 

And now Hux was expecting Ren to kill the boy who was so important to him...

The Shadow had sacrifices. But once again, Ren found that he couldn’t do it. 

”Hux, I’m really sorry about this,” Ren said, before raising his hand and freezing Hux in place. 

He then turned back to Ben. “Go back, kid,” he said. “I don’t want to hurt you.” Why wasn’t Ben doing the sensible thing and just leaving? He didn’t have room to play hero. To try and save someone who wasn’t worth saving. 

”I know,” Ben said. “Ren — I know what happened to your Master. I know you didn’t kill her. It was an accident.”

”Don’t, kid.” This kid was going to destroy him, not through weapons, not through the Force, but through compassion. 

He didn’t know if he could take it. It was easy to think that Ben was doing this because he was a sadist or something like that. He wasn’t, of course. Ren could swear that Ben’s faith in him was as pure as sunlight.

“You could come with us,” Ben continued. “Be free of this.”

Footsteps. Running footsteps. And then Ren stiffened. He could all but feel Ben’s shock, his terror — somehow, he hadn’t expected Han Solo to all but drop in and sabotage everything. All in the name of saving his son. 

”Ben!” Han shouted. “What the stang are you doing, kid?”

Ben turned towards his father, clearly dismayed. “I’m trying to help him.”

”Are you kidding me?” Han exclaimed. “He’s a monster. He’s gonna tear you apart...”

 _Monster_. Ren supposed he was used to epithets like that. If someone didn’t agree with your philosophy, they called you a monster. That was the way. 

”I never would, Solo,” Ren said. “I wouldn’t dream of hurting Ben. You have to believe that.”

Just to emphasize that, he put his lightsaber, his new one, on his belt. 

He could already sense Han Solo’s confusion, his mistrust...and Ben’s vindication. Like he knew, somehow, that Ren would make the right choice. 

Ben was mistaken, of course. Ren wasn’t a good man. Maybe he’d never been. He met Ben’s eyes, struck in that moment by how vulnerable, how hopeful, Ben looked in that moment.

”Follow me,” Ben said. “We can leave this place behind for good.”

He ought to. And yet it wasn’t as if he could simply break away from the ren. The philosophy that he had devoted so much of his time to. Changing sides wasn’t something you could just do. Like using a light switch. 

And leaving the First Order behind wasn’t just something that he could do either. 

Han Solo’s blaster was shaking in his hand. Ren knew that he would do just about anything to defend his son, no matter what happened. 

And then the setting got switched. Ren drew his lightsaber in time, freezing the bolt in midair. 

”Nice try, Solo,” Ren said wryly. “You thought that you could defeat me?”

It was then that he felt Ben reaching out through the Force, freezing him effectively in place. 

”I’m sorry about this, Ren,” Ben said. “I can’t let you die — but I can’t let you hurt Dad either.”


	18. Ekari

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren wakes up, and Ben tells his father the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

They blew up the base, though not before Ben set the alarm for others to escape. It was the least he could do, all things considered, and yet he felt guilty for not being able to do more. For the lower ranking First Order members who would lose their lives. 

They didn’t have much time, even taking Ren to the Falcon. Even getting him in medbay, Ben was relieved when they could actually put him down. 

”There’s no way that this son of a schutta’s that important,” Han grumbled. 

”He is to me,” Ben said. 

”Why, kid? You know all these things you can’t know, you have this save-everybody complex...what the hell happened? There’s no way that just seeing a vision caused a personality change like that...”

”I’ll explain to you everything, Dad,” Ben said. “We just have to make sure that the security’s right enough on the Falcon.”

***

It was long after they secured Phasma in the brig, Chewie guarding her, that they visited Ren. Han looked down at him. “Those are some pretty impressive burns he’s got,” he said. “No idea what happened to him.”

”He got caught,” Ben said. “In an explosion. It killed his master and left him burned.”

Han stared at him. Then, “Kid, there’s too much that doesn’t make any sense. How do you know these things?”

”I do,” Ben said. 

”He speaks the truth,” a smooth, Coruscanti-accented voice said. Even turning around, Ben saw the woman — black-haired, beautiful, probably in her forties or so. “Ren...Gabriel Soule, I should say, was my Padawan, in times long past.”

”Why do so many Jedi become psychopaths?” Han grumbled. 

Ekari raised an eyebrow. “That’s my former Padawan you’re talking about.”

”Still a psychopath,” Han said. 

”Not completely,” Ekari said. “I’ve been watching him. I haven’t been able to intervene fully...”

”Force Ghosts have their limitations,” Ben said. 

Ekari nodded. “As Anakin told you, without a doubt. Don’t look surprised; I doubt there’s any secrets between others in the netherworld of the Force.”

”Wait,” Han said, “Vader’s been influencing my son? Is this a joke?” 

He sounded frightened. Ben took a deep breath. “Dad,” he said, “He’s not Vader anymore. He redeemed himself long ago. And he...saved me.” A beat. “I wanted to tell you the truth, but I didn’t know how to explain it. I died. In the original timeline.”

”What are you talking about?” Han said. “You’re alive. You’re right here. I’d know if you were dead...”

Slowly, Ben explained. How Snoke and Palpatine had manipulated him in the original timeline. How Luke had tried to kill him. How he had done so many horrible, evil things in the name of preserving the First Order. 

”I took lives, Dad,” Ben said. His voice cracked. “I still have the memories. I even took yours, in the original timeline. I thought it would make me stronger. It goes without saying that it didn’t.”

Han nodded. He looked stiff, disbelieving, and most of all — something that Ben definitely didn’t deserve — full of compassion and sorrow. 

”Everywhere I went, I turned, I found a way to hurt someone,” Ben said. “I got creative. And I could have turned back at any time, but I suppose I thought I didn’t deserve it. I even had a name in the alternate timeline that wasn’t my own. Kylo. Ren...the original Ren suggested it. ‘Victorious’...which is a kriffing joke, all things considered. I came back in the end. After Mom died in the original timeline...” Even explaining what happened after, the fragment of his father that served as a sort of conscience, it sounded almost implausible. Like a kriffed up dream he’d had. Not to mention Rey. The Knights of Ren. Resurrected Palpatine.

And his death. Which led up to this point. 

It was clear that his father didn’t know what to make of it. The way he looked, so much like on the bridge, like he was about to cry. Seeing his father near-tears was almost terrifying; otherwise, Ben had never seen his father cry. 

”It’s a lot to take in, kid,” Han said. “Just...kriffing hell, I wish you’d gone to me. I could have helped you. Maybe torn Luke a new one.”

”I have no doubt.” Ben said. 

”And what Snoke and Palpatine did...I could kill them.”

”It wasn’t unusual,” Ben said. “For Dark Side training. I’d be more surprised if there was a Dark Sider who was kind to their students.”

”Forget that,” Han said. “It doesn’t matter what ideology they use to justify themselves. What they did to you was still awful.”

Ben swallowed. He supposed he could get used to that. Being told he didn’t deserve that. 

”And I forgive you, kid. I forgive you everything. You did terrible things. It doesn’t undo...what happened originally. But you’re doing good. More than good. And I’m not gonna forget that you’re my son. Sons don’t stop being boys with skinned knees in need of being patched up, or boys playing with their father’s lucky dice. You never stopped.” A beat, then, more chagrined, “And I guess I owe my schutta of a father-in-law one. I never thought I’d say that.”

Ben laughed. He couldn’t help it. Han smiled faintly in that moment. “You are who you are now, kid. And I’ll stand by you to the end, no matter what.”

”Most parents would,” Ekari said. “Or parental figures. Even in the original timeline, if I recall, you forgave Kylo, even though he did the unthinkable to you.”

”Of course I would,” Han said. “He’s my son.” A beat. “The way you look at Ren...was he like your kid?”

”Too much like one,” Ekari said. Her smile was mournful. “I can remember him, as a boy. Constantly curious, constantly asking questions. And when he was nine years old, he made me this.”

Ben’s breath hitched even as he took in the kyber crystal necklace Ekari wore. 

”It’s made from a Hurrikaine crystal. Quite rare,” Ekari said. “We were crystal gathering when we found it, and Ren, or Gabriel, as I knew him...he made it into a necklace. ‘Because we’re Jedi, and we’re legends,’ he said.” 

”Sounds like he was a good kid,” Han said. 

”He was.” Ekari looked mournfully down at the unconscious Ren. “And I would have damned the galaxy to keep him safe. I can’t stay long, but even ghosts have their abilities. Ghosts are limited, but not completely.”

She stood over Ren, laid a hand to one, horribly burned part of his body. Han hissed in sympathy, taking a closer look. “What happened to him?”

”The facility we fought in was unstable. I still can’t remember who accidentally caused the explosion. He lived. I didn’t. Sometimes,” Ekari said, “I think my fate was more merciful than his. It’s a gift I can give him now...healing.”

She closed her eyes. A pool of glowing white energy all but bathed her hand and Ren’s burnt, discolored skin. And all the while, Ekari murmured, “Be with me. All parts of the Brilliance, be with me.”

Ben watched even as Ren’s flesh healed. As the burns disappeared. As his skin faded away into smooth, healed skin — healthy skin. It was in that moment that Ren stirred. 

”What the stang happened?” he murmured. It was then that he looked up, saw Ekari. “Ekari? This...this isn’t a joke, is it?”

”Far from it,” Ekari said. “Also,” she added a bit wryly, “You need a shirt.”

Ren looked in wonder at his now-healed hand. Free of burns, completely healthy in appearance. “Did you...” It seemed the usually casual, jovial leader of the Knights was completely in shock. 

”I did. Gabriel,” Ekari said, “I’m sorry. I wish I’d been able to appear to you sooner. To help you.”

”It’s too late. Healing my burns isn’t gonna change that.”

”I know,” Ekari said. “I don’t expect you to change your mind overnight. Redemption isn’t as easy as flipping a switch. And you can’t force redemption. You can give the other a push in the right direction, but they have to choose their path.”

”Why are you trying to redeem me?” Ren said. He sounded so vulnerable. “I know it’s in your nature, Ekari, but...I killed you. Surely you’d draw the line at that.”

”The facility was unstable,” Ekari said. “Either one of us could have set off the explosion. In a way, I could have been good as responsible for creating Ren.”

”Don’t say that.” Ren’s voice was softer than Ben expected. “It was an accident.”

”You’re so quick to forgive me,” Ekari said. “Why can’t you forgive yourself, Gabriel? What makes you exempt from that?”

Ren paused. It was clear that he hadn’t thought of _why._ Then again, sometimes self-blame had no logic. 

Ekari continued. “You don’t understand, do you? Even after everything you’ve done, even after everything you could have done, even though you can’t accept it, I _forgive_ you.”

”You’d forgive someone who nearly hit you with their speeder,” Ren said, though he was faintly smiling. 

”The point still stands,” Ekari said. “And there was a trace of good in you. When you spared Ben Solo’s life, you showed you were capable of more than you thought you were. Besides, forgiveness, compassion...they’re as essential to the Jedi way as doing what’s necessary. Bastila Shan once said that the Jedi hold all life sacred, even that of a Sith Lord. You, Gabriel, are also sacred.” Silence. “Nothing can change that.”

Ren paused. Then, “So everything I did...was for nothing.”

”You blamed yourself for what happened to both of us. But I know, Gabriel, that you have a huge capacity to do good.” A beat. “I still love my Padawan. Even though he lost his way.”

Ren nodded. He seemed to be coming to terms with it. Realizing that he had taken the wrong path out of personal pain, grief and guilt...had done so for years. “Helping the kid...”

”Yes,” Ekari said. “Help him. He needs guidance more than he lets on. Teach others how to fight Snoke and Palpatine. It will be a hard road, but doing the right thing, though it is hard...it is worth it in the end.”

Ren smiled, a little more obviously this time. “What if I became a Gray Jedi? Incorporated the best parts of the Knights, and the best parts of the Jedi?”

”It is your path,” Ekari said. Then, “Remember, Gabriel: no matter what you did in the past, no matter what happens, I forgive you. For everything.” A pause. "And you don’t have to tell me, that you care for me. I always knew.”

She faded. The way Ren looked at her, it was like he wanted to speak to her a while longer. 

”Well...stang,” Ren said after a while, “I didn’t think I’d see her again. I didn’t think she’d forgive me.”

”She has, so don’t blow it,” Han said. “Just to remind you...if you hurt my son, I won’t hesitate to hurt you back.”

”Figured that,” Ren said. “But I wouldn’t dream of it. Ben’s as important to me as you are.” A beat. “So that shift I felt...in a way, I knew that you were from a bad future. You said it cost everything.”

Ben explained. And Ren listened, stiff and still. Then, “Snoke said you’d be better off than with the Jedi. I thought so too. I never thought...kid, if making sure you don’t go through that again is the result, I’ll do what it takes to keep you safe.”

”You don’t have to tell me,” Ben said. “I already know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: Couldn’t add this song to the Spotify playlist proper, but “No Way Out” from the Brother Bear soundtrack was one song I listened to writing this chapter. Also, here’s the Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/225q7vws6eqfggri22vzogtsq/playlist/26hvxWwUO4HCcorIOaWyrG?si=bpvPtOQ-QXWyv_l8BGvMDw


	19. Kylo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben reveals the truth, and things go to hell in a handbasket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

They came out of hyperspace near D’Qar, and Ben was already working at the workbench on upgrades to his lightsaber, while also wondering what he was going to tell the others. 

Could he tell the others? What was he going to say anyway? “Sorry, guys, but one of your Resistance members is a time-traveling former dictator"? The others would hate him. His father had accepted him, of course. But his mother...would she hate him? Would Poe hate him? Would Tai, Voe and Hennix? Somehow, he couldn’t bear that idea. 

”You look like something’s eating you up inside, kid,” Ren said. Ben turned to look at him, where Ren was standing above him. It was odd, actually seeing him wearing a shirt. 

”You put a shirt on,” Ben said wryly. “Mustafar must have frozen over.”

Ren shook his head. “No. I just thought that now that I’m...healed, going shirtless makes no sense. Before, I thought the burns were symbolic. Of all that I’d lost. I think, somewhere where even the Shadow didn’t realize it, I blamed myself. Pretty damn cliché, some guy blaming himself for a woman’s death, but if we hadn’t had that duel, if the explosion hadn’t happened, who knows? Still cliché. Always the guy. It sounds like something out of a holo.”

”My grandfather was the same way,” Ben said. “Though his...relationship was more romantic.”

Ren nodded. “I heard. Poor bastard — what he did was awful, but still...” A pause. “Ekari was the closest to a mother figure I had. Both my parents have been dead for years; I can’t fancy they’d like their son being a big, scary, scarred monster.”

”They’d like that their son’s on the road to doing the right thing,” Ben said. “That he’s found redemption here.” 

”Maybe,” Ren said. “To badly quote my master, how can you forgive me, but you can’t forgive yourself?”

Ben swallowed. “I took lives. Murdered villagers.”

”I’ve taken lives too, kid,” Ren said. 

“You didn’t kill your dad in one timeline.”

”Murder’s murder whether you know the person or not. Your grandfather killed kids. At least from what I get, you didn’t destroy the Temple.” A beat. “You did other things that were pretty bad, but...you did good too. I don’t think you can be grouped into one category.”

Ben nodded. “I guess.” And then he could say what was bothering him. “There’s a man that I’ve fallen in love with. That I hurt in the original timeline. We’re getting closer, but I can’t let him in. I should tell him the truth. He deserves the truth. About who I am.” He ran a hand through his hair. “It’ll destroy him, though. I know it. Everywhere I go, I hurt someone.”

”Not everywhere.”

”Most places then. A lot of them.” Ben sighed. “Poe will suffer. He’ll suffer plenty. I’ll good as have ripped out his heart and shredded it. But he’ll know. And he’ll find someone else. Be happier.”

Yes. He could deal with that at least. 

”You won’t be alone, kid,” Ren said. “Promise.”

”You won’t be either,” Ben said. 

***

Landing on D’Qar, Ben could swear that his heart was all but hammering against his chest too hard, despite Ren and Han’s reassurances. He stepped out of the Falcon in that moment, even as Poe all but ran towards him. “Ben! You’re okay!”

Ben smiled faintly. _He’s not gonna think that after he hears about what I’ve done_.   
  
“Poe,” he said, “It’s good to see you too. Can I...talk about something with you?”

Poe nodded. He looked worried, more than anything. 

They were in another room on the D’Qar base when Poe said, “What’s going on, Ben?”

”I’m not who you think I am. I’m not a good man. I’m not a hero.” Ben swallowed. “I’m from the future, Poe. A future, at least.”

Poe looked at him incredulously. “This isn’t funny.”

”I’m serious,” Ben said. “I’m not...I wasn’t always Ben Solo. I was Ben and then I was someone else and then I became Ben again, but I’m not the same. I took lives, Poe. Worse, I got good at it.”

”You couldn’t have,” Poe said, disbelievingly. “You’re only nineteen.”

”I’m a thirty-year-old in a nineteen year old’s body.” Somehow, Ben didn’t think he’d actually say that. “A dead thirty-year-old.”

”Ben, you...you can’t mean that.”

”I do. I remember my death. There was a girl, Rey. I saved her from death at the cost of my life. And I was brought here. To make things right.” A beat. “I couldn’t keep lying to you, Poe. I’m sorry.”

Poe looked like he was reeling in that moment, like he was trying to discern if Ben had suffered a mental breakdown or if he was telling the truth. Then, “Ben...Kalonia can help you. It’s mostly physical stuff, but — ”

”You think I’m crazy?” Ben said. 

”What am I supposed to do? You’re talking about time travel and being dead and displacement and...Ben, I don’t believe you! I can’t.” 

”Ask my dad. And Ren.”

”So they actually believe it?” Poe said. 

”Just talk to them. I’m not crazy. You’ve got to believe me, Poe.”

***

“That’s...quite a story, Ben,” Leia said. Even sitting in the briefing room, Ben couldn’t help but feel his heart sink — didn’t she believe him?

Ben swallowed. “Mom, you’re Force Sensitive. Surely you can sense that I’m not lying to you?"

Leia looked sorrowful. “I know. But I’ll have to prove to the others that you’re not lying too. It won’t be pretty, but I’ll do what I have to.” A beat. “I won’t torture you. The Resistance doesn’t believe in torturing people. No one deserves torture, and torture is all but useless anyway. It only destroys the subject. Or nearly does. I was tortured by Vader; I should know.”

”I know,” Ben said. To think he’d nearly destroyed or succeeded in destroying his victims. 

To think that he’d believed in what he was doing. 

Leia continued. “Uncle Luke might be the best candidate,” she said. “Reading your thoughts. Corroborating the evidence.”

Ben nodded. He couldn’t help but want to protest, to say that it wasn’t going to work, to say that it wasn’t going to go right. He thought of, even in the midst of his usual nightmares, that feeling of something wiggling inside his head, worming its way in, and that realization, upon waking, that his uncle _hated_ him. That realization, and the grief that came with it. Running away from the collapsed hut. Chastising himself for leaving his uncle behind even while knowing he had no choice. 

He only feared what would happen if his uncle saw the truth. If he saw what Ben had done as Kylo. 

***

Even sitting across from his uncle, Ben couldn’t help but wonder if this was a long-overdue dramatic reversal. Before, he’d extracted so much information out of his victims, without consent, without boundaries. Basically war crimes. And now he was having his memories read through as well. 

”I doubt you are who you say you are,” Luke said grimly, “But I’ll find out soon enough.” His voice sounded brittle, and Ben could already feel how his uncle’s emotions were all but a maelstrom. Of uncertainty, confusion, denial and most of all, a determination to do what had to be done. “Ready?”

Ben nodded, and it was there that he let his uncle see.

And he could feel so much from his uncle. Confusion, shock, and, to Ben’s distress, a boiling, all too familiar hatred. 

”You did this?” Luke murmured. “Because I saw what an evil creature you were, you brought down the hut on us both? Because I saw you as a threat to all living creatures in the galaxy, you decided to destroy the galaxy? You’re pathetic.”

”I am,” Ben said. 

”I was too lenient on you in the original timeline,” Luke murmured. “A spoiled, patricidal brat who will only bring Snoke and Palpatine here.”

“Uncle — ”

Luke drew his lightsaber in that moment, and Ben swore that his blood froze over in terror. This couldn’t be happening again. This simply couldn’t. And yet, it seemed that even in this alternate timeline, the seeds of the anger, the desire to put things right, hadn’t been completely been eliminated. 

Ben stood up. “Uncle,” he said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to happen.”

”You will be,” Luke said. “You will be.”


	20. The Master of the Knights of Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was in that room, where Ben Solo was trying to prove that he was from the future, that Ben and Luke dueled — properly, this time. Ben couldn’t help but think of Crait in that moment, how his uncle had been too much of a coward to personally show up, so he’d projected himself onto the planet instead. Ben wasn’t Luke in this duel, of course, but he was skilled enough. Strong. And he wasn’t afraid to play dirty, such as kicking Luke in the stomach, Force pushing him back, all sorts of defensive techniques. 

”I have to say,” Luke sneered, even as he got up from the floor, his nose visibly bloody, “You’re quite skilled. For one part of the Knights of Ren. But you still aren’t good enough.”

”I’m strong enough,” Ben said, “To beat you.” A beat. “At least you’re actually fighting me in person this time. Did I tell you? How you were such a coward that you ran away to the other end of the galaxy? Hid away? And I didn’t tell you how you were so willing to redeem Grandfather thanks to your daddy issues...but you couldn’t have spared a thought for me when the galaxy was screaming in my head.”

Luke seemed to be wavering in that moment. 

”Hurts, doesn’t it?” Ben sneered. “Knowing that the man who redeemed Vader, the man who became a galactic legend, just became a coward hiding away on an island.”

”I,” Luke snarled, “Am not a coward.”

”Yes,” Ben said. “You are.”

Luke all but charged at Ben. Even forcing him back, pressing against his uncle’s shoulder with his lightsaber, the sizzling, sickly sweet smell of scorching flesh was enough to make Ben remember Finn, and the Ilum duel...

He, in a moment of inspiration, reached out through the Force and shoved Luke away. It broke the bladelock, at least. Even though, looking at Luke, then his ignited lightsaber...

He had tried to hurt an opponent. Had come, in general, dangerously close to becoming Kylo Ren again. 

He couldn’t have nearly done this. In that moment, he could have very nearly become Kylo Ren, Jedi Killer, once more. 

Footsteps. Running footsteps. Leia and Poe appeared, both seeming like they’d run a marathon. “Ben!” Leia said. “Are you all right? I felt something wrong...”

”And you were pretty loud,” Poe said. “Things went wrong, didn’t they?”

Ben nodded. Then he told them. Told them everything. He watched as Leia’s face grew pale, as Poe’s hands tightened into fists of rage. 

”I...I nearly — I could have — ”

”You didn’t,” Leia said. “We’re going to have to lock your uncle up. So you aren’t harmed further.”

”I just can’t believe he bought it,” Poe said. “That you were some monster from the future.”

”He speaks the truth, Poe,” Leia said. “I felt it. Even though that doesn’t justify Luke’s actions.”

Ben knew he’d never forget the way Poe looked in that moment. That look, like Ben had shattered his heart into a million pieces. 

***

He wasn’t worthy to carry that lightsaber. Even looking at the now-deactivated weapon, he thought of throwing his old lightsaber into the ocean. The one with the crossguards. Stars, that seemed like a whole different universe. Too different, actually. Ben almost wished that there was an ocean that he could throw the lightsaber into. Maybe there was a lake somewhere on D’Qar?

”You could have told me.”

Poe’s voice. Even as Ben looked up, he couldn’t help but be struck by the look in Poe’s eyes. Wounded fundamentally — Ben wished that he hadn’t all but caused this hurt that Poe felt. How he wished he’d made the right decision from the start...

”I didn’t know how,” Ben said. 

”You could have at least started out saying you killed people!” Poe said. “And tortured people. Including me. I was such an idiot...so captivated by you. I wanted to crack the code behind Ben Solo. If you’re not Ben, who are you anyway?”

Ben swallowed. “My name was Kylo Ren,” he said. “Ren...alternate timeline Ren suggested it. He was my teacher, of sorts. ‘Kylo’ is supposed to mean ‘victorious’, but I don’t feel victorious. I never have.” 

”So why did you fall?” Poe said. “You had everything. You had the biggest extended family in the galaxy anyone could have — ”

”It was the Emperor!” Ben shouted. “The Emperor was in my head every night, all but mentally raping me, and my mother — she was being hurt too and couldn’t help me, and when my uncle found out, he tried to kill me. Just like now...”

Poe’s anger looked like it was wavering in that moment. “So he was willing to help Vader, but not you?”

”Obviously,” Ben said. He sighed. “I was nothing to almost everybody. Except Snoke. Except Ren. And except Palpatine. They accepted me. When there was nowhere else to run, they accepted me. And they promised...”

He couldn’t bear to complete the sentence. Then, “I told someone that they came from nothing, were nothing. Stars, but I was projecting. Everything I told them had to do with me.”

Poe’s eyes were softening. Then, “You’re something to me. Everything to me. Doesn’t that count?”

”I’m not good for you,” Ben said. “You know that.”

”It doesn’t matter,” Poe said. “I love you, Ben.”

It should have been welcome. It was, in a way. And yet, Ben was also scared. Scared of the simple, honest fact that even after what Ben had done to him in the original timeline, Poe loved him. Loved a monster. 

”Ben,” Poe said, “Did I say something wrong?”

“I...no. But you don’t know what you’re getting into.”

”I know that you’re a wonderful, good man,” Poe said. “I know you’re caring, and kind. I know that you’re brave. I know that you’re working so damn hard to make things right. Even if you can’t accept the fact that you are loved...I wanted to tell you. And...if I don’t mean anything — ”

”You do,” Ben said. “I just fear I’ll drag you down.”

”Then I’ll follow you down. Because you’ll be there, and wherever you are is a good one.” 

Ben could already feel tears brimming in his eyes. He wasn’t worth that much. He couldn’t afford to be selfish. He needed —

“I need some time,” he said. “To think. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to hurt you. Or drag you down.”

 _Even if it hurts._ Even if the easy route was to be selfish. To have this beautiful, talented, caring man (who somehow loved him in return) to himself. It was the classic romantic holo trope — breaking the other’s heart to save them. Voe might have ranted about it to Ben one time after reading the _Midnight_ books. And now here he was, acting it out. 

”Okay,” Poe said, softly. 

He let Ben go. He ran towards the hangar. He paused, for a moment considering boarding the _Grimtaash_ or some other ship and flying away from D’Qar. Maybe it would be better. Keeping the Resistance safe from someone, _something_ , like him —

He walked towards the hangar instead. Even as he sat next to the _Grimtaash,_ he wondered if it was time to leave. If the Resistance would be better off without him. If Poe...

”You know, kid,” Ren said wryly behind him, “I’m pretty sure that your escape plan could use a little more thought.”


	21. Ben and Poe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the story undergoes a rating change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“What are you doing here?” Ben said. 

Ren shrugged. “Kid,” he said, “It’s not like I know Poe Dameron particularly well. But he means something to you. Doesn’t he?”

Ben sighed. “I can’t believe you’re giving me love advice.”

”First time for everything,” Ren said wryly. “I wouldn’t be surprised if that was Snoke’s endgame, and Palpatine’s,” he said more seriously. “Break down some innocent kid hard enough that the only people he can rely on are the people breaking him down. Even the fact it’s a Shadow technique doesn’t make it any better. Because it’s you, kid. What makes you think other people deserve to be happy...but not you? And don’t say you’ve killed people; so have I. So has your grandfather. And you forgive us.”

Ben swallowed. “I tortured him,” he said. “Poe. I never liked the interrogations, but it doesn’t matter one bit. I still hurt him. And...” He sighed. “He deserves someone who’s a better being than me. Someone without baggage.”

”And yet he chose you,” Ren said. “You must be doing something right. Kid...you’re helping so many people. If you can’t trust me, trust them.”

”Why are you doing this?” Ben said. 

”I’m serving your interests. And mine. Which happen to be compatible. Come on, kid; we can at least talk in a better place than a hangar.”

Ben couldn’t argue with that. 

***

Ben drank caffa; he doubted that he could drink alcohol when he was underage, after all. Ren drank some Corellian ale. “So,” Ren said. “What exactly happened, and whose cargo hold do I need to kick?”

”Don’t go after anybody,” Ben said. 

”I’m half-joking.”

Ben took a sip of his caffa. Then, “Uncle Luke...” And even telling Ren the truth, it was painful. 

When he finished, Ren nodded. “My offer to kick Skywalker’s cargo hold still stands.”

”I nearly hurt him,” Ben said. “And I remembered...something I did as Kylo. That’s what stopped me.”

”Shouldn’t that do?” Ren said. 

”I — ”

”It’ll do, kid. You didn’t become Kylo again. You became better than him. You could have hurt your uncle and you stopped yourself...which, being the idiot he is, I would have at least — all right, fine, not funny, sorry, kid.”

”Thanks,” Ben said. He sighed. “I should talk to Poe. I think he deserves to know what happened.”

”Good idea.” Ben took a deep breath. “Thank you...Ren. I suppose I was so scared of becoming Kylo again.”

”He’s not all bad. The Shadow’s not all bad. You just have to find the best parts of both.”

Ben supposed that he could do that. 

***

Making his way to Poe’s quarters, Ben knocked on the door and heard Poe’s muffled voice. “Yeah?”

”It’s me, Ben,” Ben said. “I want to talk to you.”

”You changed your mind?”

”Yes. I’ll explain more as I get in.”

Poe opened the door. BB-8 wheeled forward, screeching a series of indignant profanity that seemed to be chewing out Ben for abandoning his “soulmate”.

”Hey, buddy,” Poe chastised, “Watch the language!”

”All at once, I’m your soulmate,” Ben said in bewilderment. 

Poe laughed softly. “Yeah.” It was good to see Poe laughing again. 

Ben entered Poe’s quarters. BB-8 shocked him lightly on the leg, which, after a wince, Ben supposed he deserved. A little. 

”Okay, you’ve punished the poor man enough,” Poe chastised BB-8. “Leave him alone.”

BB-8 let out one last angry beep before wheeling away. Poe sighed. “I’m sorry. I guess he gets overprotective.”

”No stang,” Ben said. “But Poe...I thought I was protecting you. From myself. Ren, the guy I brought back from Starkiller...he told me I was basically being a moron. Still...I should warn you there’s a lot of ugly stuff about me.”

”I think you’re beautiful,” Poe said, softly. 

”And Ren will probably give you the shovel talk,” Ben tried to joke. ”Best not to make the reformed Knight of Ren angry.”

”I won’t. And I can accept that risk,” Poe said. “I love you, Ben, and I want to be with you. Ugly things and all. And if you drag me down...it’ll be worth it just being with you.”

Ben swallowed. “You told me. I didn’t tell you...I loved you from the moment I met you in this timeline, Poe. And I don’t want to just stop Snoke and Palpatine. I want to _live._ Not just be the victor. I want to live.”

Poe kissed him, almost like they were going to die tomorrow, and Ben cried out in surprise and delight even as he returned the kiss. He ran his hands through Poe’s hair, through soft, silky black curls that were as gorgeous as the rest of Poe. And he could feel himself, feel the spark flare to life in his belly, and the desire to know more. To know Poe, not just in the surface areas, but more than that. 

They broke away, and Ben said, “Poe...if we could go all the way tonight...”

Poe groaned softly. “I’d love that.”

”Then take these clothes off.” Ben’s voice sounded like a visceral growl. “You don’t need them.”

”Whatever you want.” Poe said. He sounded deeply, desperately, aroused. 

He undressed in that moment. Ben couldn’t help but admire him, the expanse of his smooth, bronzed skin, almost like the glow of a sunset, his strong yet carefully sculpted shoulders. His nipples, dark brown and all but begging for stimulation, even the soft deposits at his hips and the softness below his navel were just perfect. Even amidst the reverence he felt, Ben wanted him, desperately. Wanted him to the point it felt almost like a hunger — and it was clear that Poe was almost in agony waiting. 

”You’re so gorgeous,” Ben murmured. "Has anyone even thought of touching you? Of just taking care of you?”

”Not before,” Poe said. 

“I’ll have to remedy that,” Ben murmured. 

”What are you thinking?”

”Taking your virginity right here. It’s a good thing we found a bed — I mean, you deserve a bed. You deserve everything.”

”Do it then," Poe said. "Undress for me.”

Ben did. And though he was worried about how Poe would view his body, the amazement in Poe’s eyes was unmistakeable. “You’re so big,” he murmured. “So powerful. I swear...that Jedi training must have been good for you. Has anyone — ”

”No.”

”I’ll have to remedy that too. So, what are you thinking? You’re just...big. I just hope I can take it.”

”We don’t have to get to penetration. Yet.” Ben said. ”Just lie down.”

Poe did. 

”That’s good,” Ben murmured. “You like me on top? Worshipping you?”

”Anything,” Poe gasped, and Ben took that cue to kiss at and nibble his neck. “Ben, please,” Poe begged, “Mark me. Use your teeth on me.”

Ben paused. “Doesn’t it hurt?”

”It won’t,” Poe promised, and as Ben sank his teeth into a sensitive juncture between Poe’s neck and shoulder, Poe actually whimpered, moaned in pleasure and desperation. 

”Kriff,” Ben murmured, “I can’t believe how beautiful you are.” There would be bitemarks and bruises in the morning. “I knew you were beautiful. I didn’t think you’d drive me crazy with it. That I would want you this much...”

He kissed down Poe’s chest. Took a nipple into his mouth, kissed it, bit it, sucked on it. He did the same to the other nipple, and Poe’s gasps and keens just got worse. 

”You like what I’m doing?” Ben murmured. 

”Only downside,” Poe groaned, “Is that I so, so desperately want to touch myself right now.”

”Patience,” Ben said lightly. 

Poe sighed. “You’re a bastard. I love you, but you’re a bastard.”

”Just trust me.” Ben, gently, stroked Poe’s face. “You should be proud of your body. I’m just showing you how much.”

He nibbled and sucked on the soft fold of fat below Poe’s navel, charmed by it. He kissed it; he could feel Poe’s hesitation about it, but it was ridiculous. Poe was breathtakingly beautiful; it made no sense to be hung up on something that was so insignificant. He sucked at the interiors of his thighs too, leaving marks there, feeling Poe’s utter need to come just through the gasps and pants and the twitching of his hips and his thoughts seeming all but annihilated by desire. 

”Ben,” Poe groaned. “Ben, please, sweetheart...”

“What do you need?” Ben said. 

“I need to come. I need to come so bad.”

Ben couldn’t deny it. The way that Poe’s shaft was curling towards his belly — it was dripping, dripping and hard and glistening, and Ben said, “How do you want me to do it?”

"I want to come,” Poe said, “With you inside me.”

Being complimented for having a big shaft should have felt good. Now Ben was worrying how exactly he was going to fit inside Poe. Then, “Do you have any lotion? Anything I can slick my fingers with?”

Luckily, there was some on the table. Ben sighed even as he slicked his fingers with it. “You know,” he said, “Biology is kriffing evil.”

Poe laughed. “No arguments there.”

”I swear if we had self-lubricating anuses, it would solve everything,” Ben said. 

”I’m sure quite a few stories on the Holonet mentioned it,” Poe said. 

Ben made a note to ask him about it later, before positioning his fingers at Poe’s entrance. “Ready?”

”Please.” Poe sounded more serious now, and more aroused. 

Ben slid a finger in, and he couldn’t help but hiss. “Stang, Poe, you’re tight,” he murmured. “It’s...unthinkable that no one’s kriffed you.”

”Tell me,” Poe murmured, “How you want to do it.”

”Me?” Ben smiled. “I want to pound you until you’re begging for more of my dick.”

He felt heat rushing to his cheeks; he’d never talked so dirty before, but apparently, there was a first time for everything. 

”It’s big,” Poe said. “Can’t wait for it to wreck me.”

”In a good way,” Ben said. “Until you’re satisfied. You want more of my fingers?”

”Yeah.”

Three. Three went in before Poe was clutching at the sheets. “Ben, Ben, kriff, Ben, kriff...I need...”

Ben nodded. He kissed Poe quickly, slicked himself with lubricant before, at Poe’s permission, entering slowly, carefully, groaning in relief. 

”Ben,” Poe sighed in relief. "Kriff, Ben, you’re huge.”

”And you’re so tight and warm,” Ben said. “Don’t...want to hurt you...”

”You’re making it worse by not moving,” Poe said. 

Ben moved. At first, he thought, being inside Poe was difficult — he worried that he’d go too hard, too fast, or both, but he picked up a good pace, all while, at Poe’s permission, stroking Poe’s shaft with each thrust in. The sounds Poe made...they were beautiful, beautiful as the rest of him, even as Ben moved inside him, rubbing and stroking his shaft all the while. 

Poe arched against the bed, coming against Ben’s hand and both their bellies. After moving in Poe just enough, Ben could feel his own orgasm all but gushing out, even as he moaned Poe’s name. 

Poe. Like Poe was all that mattered. All that ever could matter.

It was slipping out that Ben sighed in exhaustion, falling back on the pillow beside Poe and drawing his lover close. Ben stroked Poe’s hair, laid a kiss against it, even as Poe sighed in contentment. 

”Ben,” he murmured. “Oh, Ben...”

”It was good?” Ben said. 

“Amazing,” Poe said. "Treat me this well,” he said, more lightly, “And I’ll be spoiled for other partners.”

”If I disappoint you?” Ben tried to joke. 

”Even if you did, I wouldn’t give up on you,” Poe murmured. “You’re beautiful, and brilliant, and brave and gentle and kind. And I’ll keep telling you that until you believe it.”

”I had a feeling you would. Would they...accept me?”

”Even if they don’t, I will.” Poe said. 

They fell asleep just then, and Ben doubted that he, in his life, had felt more complete. 


End file.
